Am I Beautiful??

BEAUTIFUL FOR ME

By Nichole Nordeman

Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess

But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me

If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me

Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Yeah
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orc4TuIO56s

This post runs the risk of sounding just like another girl rambling about finding beauty and worth. 

     But it's different. 

I've found it. I've had this knowledge for years and I keep forgetting about it. 

The past several days have been remarkably difficult! I've spent hours crying due to stress, gallons of hot water in the tub trying to relax, a box of matches lighting candles to calm my nerves, three pens and a pink highlighter writing notes in preparation for Finals Week, and countless conversations with my dear friends and my poor and ever patient mom trying to figure out why I was freaking out so intensely. 

     The reasons??

Well, I'm a girl and girls tend to worry about things that usually don't deserve a second thought, let alone a first. I allowed myself to start to drown in worry and doubt regarding school, friends, family, my worth to God, others and myself. I let thoughts of deceit creep in to betray me and urge me to believe that I held no importance. 

This seems so silly now that I'm writing it down and I can see a bit more clearly. 

In the moment, I was caught up in the false idea that I: 

• Do not deserve the attention and dedication of others
• Do not qualify for a position of the slightest desire in God's eyes
• Have no plan set aside just for me 
• Am not making any impression on my campus
• Do not have the heart to bring others up
• Am not a strong woman of God
• Am not beautiful in any sense of the word

. . . These are all lies . . .

I am a daughter of the King! I am capable of sending the strongest demons to shudder in fear by merely speaking with my Father! I am able to show great love and compassion because I have known LOVE that could not be held by death! I am desired by God!

     ... My God ...

I have been made by the same hands that formed the stars and I am loved more than all of them combined and multiplied.

I have been chased by the feet skewered with a nail that held Him to a cross for me many years ago. 

I am held in the arms that were raised to calm oceans and now wrap around me to quiet my soul. 

I am led by a voice that sings over me in delirious joy and reminds me of my endless worth. 

I am disciplined by the hands that endured hours of agony for a divine and seemingly ridiculous love.

I am carried on the back that is scared from whips and scorn when I become too weak to even lift my own head. 

     ... and most of all ... 

I am His. 

There really is no point in trying to ignore my biggest fan. It's strange to think that this reminder came during Finals Week and that this stress briefly overtook my mind. 

I guess God knows when I need to be encouraged that I am beautiful to Him and He's the best mirror. 

He knows I'm just a silly little girl that tends to misplace her own value and I'm so thankful that He's patient and never fails to remind me that I am His. 

And He is mine. 

 I have been bought with the precious blood of Christ.

<3

Walking

My dad's dad passed away on Thursday. I was never close with him. I saw him probably about 10 times in my life and received the classic birthday cards signed with only a name and contained a few dollars.

So I really shouldn't be that sad over losing him, right??

Wrong.

I've only mourned over losing people I know I'll see again.
When Ellen Burns died, I wept but I know I can worship with her when I die.
When Grandma George died, I wept but I get to sing with her and drown out the angels.
When Grandma Guerry died, I wept but I get to dance with her at the feet of God.

I will never see Grandpa Durrant again. I never saw him while he was living but I'll never get to sing my heaven song with him or dance with him. I'm fine with losing him physically. But to know that he is forever spiritually lost is breaking me down.

He was not a Christian. Every time anyone in my family would see him, we'd start talking with him about what God's doing in our lives. We wanted to share our lives with him. He never wanted to listen. When I was about 5 years old, Grandpa Durrant had a tea party with me. I remember it so clearly. I wore my Easter dress and a hat and we had tea in my pretty, pink china that my dad had gotten me from Poland. We set the table, smoothed out the wrinkles from the tablecloth and he helped me make cucumber tea sandwiches and arranged them on little plates. We sat down to tea and I started telling him about Jesus. He tried to change the subject but I wouldn't have it. I kept talking about Jesus.

Finally, he got up and walked away.

He walked away from Jesus his whole life.

A few hours before my dad called to tell me about his dad, I got this strange feeling. The kind of feeling you get when you're standing at the kitchen counter or your desk and you can feel someone behind you. Only there was never anyone behind me. It was so strange! I was feeling this way up until last night [Saturday night].

I kept having dreams as well. Dreams of fire and darkness. And I could hear screaming. The kind of screams that come from mothers that can't find their children. The screams that come from men unable to hold their families ever again.The screams that come from children after a night terror. The screams that come from the worst pain you can ever imagine.

I would wake up screaming with them.

I was dreaming about people being separated. In the beginning of Genesis, death means spiritual death, not physical death. And this spiritual death doesn't mean you are buried in some other world or you become reincarnated. It means you are separated from God. We cannot live without Him so to be eternally torn apart from Him is the ultimate death.

I'm not mourning for the physical death of a man I hardly knew. I mourning for the spiritual death of a man that never wanted Life.

I know this sounds all "preachy" but I'm telling you the truth about what's going on in my heart.

I've made a choice to walk with God.

He made choices to walk away from God.

Which way are you walking??

I am a tad easily amused ...

The following is a mere glance into my mind and the things I think are funny in the slightest. You have my permission to dislike it, but I still find it humorous. 

The "M" means Man, because the name of the other participant in this nonsense begins with a "J" as well and that would just get confusing .

The "J" means Jennifer, because that is my name. It's quite basic.

The conversation you are about to view took place Tuesday, September 21st, 2010 between the hours of 11:45 am and 1:00 pm all by the means of texting.

M – Can we please speak in song? Starting after this message?

M – Let’s get it started.

J – I want you to know when you hold my hand, you hold my heart.

J – I am in misery! There ain’t nobody who can comfort me! Why won’t you answer me?? The silence is slowly killing me!

M – I am lost for words, so lost in love …

J – Hit me, baby! One more time!

M – Do you feel like a man, when you push her around, do you feel better now as she falls to the ground (I don’t like this domestic violence theme)

J – I’m stronger than yesterday! Love ain’t nothing but a mile away. My loneliness ain’t killing me no more.

M – You drive me crazy, I just can’t sleep.

J – It’s hard to say I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep because my dreams are bursting at the seams.

M – These dreams, go on when I close my eyes.

J – Shut your eyes and sing to me …

M – Killing me softly, with his song …

J – If I get murdered in the city, don’t go revenging in my name …

M – Don’t go breaking my heart …

J – I won’t go breaking your heart!

M – I will survive! I will surviiiive …

J – I should have changed that stupid lock …

M – Hey there Delilah don’t you worry about the distance, I’m right there if you get lonely give this song another listen close your eyes, I’m by your side.

J – It’s close to midnight and something evil’s lurking in the dark!

M – Private eyes, are watching you, they see your every move.

J – I am beautiful in every single way. Words can’t bring me down.

M – Hey good lookin, whatcha got cookin

J – You’re so vain …

M – I’m too sexy for my shirt …

J – I think we’re alone now. The beating of our hearts is the only sound.

M – Stop, children what’s that sound, everybody look what’s going down.

J – You spin my head right ‘round, right ‘round …

M – We’re going down, down in an earlier round …

J – And sugar we’re going down swinging …

M – It’s getting hot in here …

J – The roof is on fire!

M – Wearing next to nothing cuz it’s hot as an oven!

J – Nothing can separate …

M – I will always love you!

J – Well I’m not paralyzed but I seem to be struck by you … I want to make you move …

M – Dare you to move …

J – Dare you to run …

M – Slow dancing in a burning room

J – I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted …

M – Wait! I take that back! “If I lay here, if I just lay here”

J – Lay in open fields with me and just stare at the diamonds of the night …

M – When I look at the stars, I find myself.

J – I look into your eyes and I find love …

M – When you look me in the eyes, I catch a glimpse of Heaven.

J – I can’t wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song …

M – Ok, I’m out of quotes. Game over. Well played my friend.

J – Good, I need to shower. Perfect timing! 

**Disclaimer:**

This post really serves no purpose other than to fulfill my desire for amusement.

Goodbyes and Future Plans

Why is it suddenly so hard to say goodbye??

When we all spread out from the camp I was pretty well held together and didn’t cry very much. But when we have a mini reunion down in Pullman, I sob like a toddler in the midst of a huge temper tantrum! 

I miss it so much! Just talking about what we all learned and bringing up inside jokes just showed me that I ache to have that strong community again. ­I realize that it's totally ridiculous to be longing for it when I have so much ahead of me for this school year. I've already forgotten what it was like to tell just anyone a funny story about your day, cry with them about spilling milk [a.k.a = just about anything] and pray with them about anything!

LTSP’10 will always be in the top 4 of my favorite summers ever. 

Here’s why:

A - I grew in such strong relationships with so many people! It was like “Instant Best Friend: Just Add Water!” The people that went on projects before me were not joking about forming lasting relationships! I understand now why they say that they made life-long friends there.

B - I became much more confident in going sharing and completing follow-ups. I know the intensity of what I have in Him and I know how to use the tools I have to build up baby Christians and then go out to make more!

C - I learned how to listen to Him and trust Him. Both of these were/are very hard lessons to grasp, but I’m increasingly thankful that He is patient and loving. He knows I’m just a stupid human girl that’s going to screw up in trying to follow through with whatever He has for me. 

I find myself forgetting all that needs to be done this year and everyone we want to reach when I keep looking back in longing. It’s hard not to want it all back. 

It’s unreasonable to wish that LTSP’10 would never end and that you could just carry everyone around in your pocket with you all the time, but there’s still some fraction of my heart that wants nothing else. 

So please pray for us. 

Pray that we can all bring our passions and lessons from LTSP’10 onto our campuses.

Pray that we will continue to bring each other up with encouragement and challenging each other’s walks.

Pray that we will remember LTSP’10 with admiration.

Pray that we will push forward to show others that they may have the same growth we did.

Pray that we receive His protection and direction as we step onto the front lines of this spiritual war zone. The enemy will do everything to try to convince us that we’re not making a difference, turn us on each other and even turn our bodies on us.

Praise Him that we were able to come have our paths altered so dramatically! 

I will always miss the summer of 2010 … 

And I will always be thankful to have had this summer as a firm foundation for the rest of my life.

Memories and Lessons

I keep waking up every day with the expectation that I can just walk outside my cabin door to eat breakfast with 80 of my closest friends and go do things around Lake Tahoe all day:

  - perch on benches

  - try to learn how to swing dance

  - get diabetes from Camp Rich

  - pray that the bear chasing me is vegan

  - learn about building up believers

  - lay out at Pope Beach

  - go to work in the mountains

  - tell people about God all the time

I never thought I'd be missing that bottom bunk either!

I miss being there so much! 

I miss being able to talk with anyone about anything! 

I miss late night drives and dance parties! 

I miss singing and dancing around Tallac Village just because I could! 

I miss staying up late to watch weird youtube videos and clutching peoples hands when I got scared! 

I miss Denny's runs! 

I miss the drive up to Sierra Pines! 

I miss sitting under the table at the laundromat, waiting for my clothes to be done! 

I miss being able to hug anyone at anytime just because I felt like it! 

I miss giving backrubs! 

I miss teaching people how to give backrubs! 

I miss star-tripping! 

I miss walking to Pope! 

I miss my life-group!

I miss my co-workers! 

I miss my LTSP'10 people that I have so many inside jokes with! 

I have learned so much this summer and I know I'm capable of bringing others up in Him! I have learned to trust Him and not to rely on others. I have become great friends with the idea of going out and sharing what I know!

I am on my way to becoming the Woman that my God desires me to be ...

But there is still a part of me the longs and aches to be back in that place of growth, love and respect. It was such a huge part of my walk with Him and I gained so many valuable tools to help me be an effective Christian. I have so much to look forward to and so much to do. I can't accomplish anything if I'm starring in the rear view mirror.

God has great plans for me and my school this year! Not only this year, but every day of my life! 

I will always hold Lake Tahoe Summer Project 2010 close to my heart as I take the next step in my journey with Him.

"My friends may you grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior.
My friends may you grow in grace, and in the knowledge of Jesus Christ.

To God be the glory, now and forever, now and forever, Amen.
To God be the glory, now and forever, now and forever, Amen.

I pray tonight as we learn from one another, may we glorify Him.
And if the Lord should bring us back together, may we be in His arms til then.

To God be the glory, now and forever, now and forever, Amen.
To God be the glory, now and forever, now and forever, Amen."

May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He make His face shine upon you. May He go before you to lead you, above you to watch over you, beside you to befriend you, behind you to guard you, beneath you to keep you from falling and within you to give you His strength.

Certainty

Isn't it strange that people cry at funerals?? Not to say I'm clear of this fact, but it's becoming a foreign concept to me.

In July, My Grandma Guerry, who was really my great grandmother, passed away at 94 years of age. As we were sitting at her graveside service, I looked around at all of her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, great great grandchildren and dear friends. Only a handful of the 30 of us were crying.

It struck me that those who were crying were not believers. They were crying because they knew they would not see her again. They were crying because they really had lost her. 

Those who remained composed had a look on their faces that could only be described as peaceful. They were not weeping, but they shed tears. They were not mourning as they knew they would only be separated for a while. 

The concept of salvation has never in my life effected me as it did on that day. While we were celebrating her life her on earth with us we were rejoicing ten fold in the new life she has with Him. It started as a tingle in my belly and slowly expanded and within a matter of moments, my heart was pounding violently and my palms were sweaty with emotion! I could hardly contain myself! I understood!

This is exactly why He died!

He conquered death so we could be with Him! We have that assurance, that certainty that this most powerful being covered us! Death has no hold on us! Our bodies will still pass away, for sure, but the death I'm talking about is worse than losing a pulse. This death means separation from God. 

He saw that our nasty sinful selves would be unable to be with Him, which is all He wanted. He wants to be with us! So as a solution, He died. Full on, straight up died. But that's not it. He came back to life! Since He did it and we believe in Him, then we have nothing to worry about when it comes to death! He's got us covered!

It's so amazing to me to think that my mentors and family members and friends that have died are now dancing with Him and singing to Him. It makes me jealous! 

Now that I've had this epiphany, I have this new-found, strong desire to go out and tell people about it. There is no way someone does not deserve to hear about this.

The Reply

My dearest friend, my companion ever close to me, have you no thought of your affections upon my heart? 

Though I stand in the midst of the most grave of moments my heart rejoices in being the muse to our inspired perfection. 

My devoted, a smile you shall have for I will be your hope in all seasons. 

A touch wilt thou receive to confirm your promise to my soul. 

A kiss? oh, sweet lover, a kiss has rescued me from a life of duty into a land of eloquent belonging. 

The word you will be granted as a token of this pure desire is to be forever more 'love'. 

You have given me the greatest honor in your description which I will work 'til my dying day to repay. Mine eyes to have such deep longing for you as to my eyes you desire.

Oh, sweet saints above! 

How can it be that such a virtuous man has crossed my path to change the direction of my days. That way in which I have come to merit such a knight may well be beyond all reason known to me! My everlasting comfort, you may not only be permitted to hope that we may meet again, but I shall find any manner of being or mystery to hasten that glorious hour. The rythym of my heart will be maintained by you alone. I dare not even allow it the faint flutter of joy 'til, at last, I see you stand before me.


Waiting Without Patience,
I am Yours

 

Description

As though my ears had the melodies of angels fall upon them so is your voice to me. 

A simple stride is become the most intricate and enchanting of dance. Every utterance of speech falls as captivating poetry upon the masses. 

Though my mornings be filled with grief and sorrow and though the evening strips any trace of joy from my very being, it may be remedied by the mere thought of your smile. 

Oh but to see your eyes!

They melt away the icy fingers of doom and sadness as the sun upon the snow in Springs grand entrance. 

Were my heart to have the speed of ten thousand wild stallions, the heartbeat of joyous extacy could not be contained within my chest. 

Even so, as I battle for the breath which escaped my body the moment your lips parted making way for such sweet sound as I've never known, I wonder how only one creature could be granted such a gift as bestowing pure light upon a strangers dark and lonely path. 

Am I permitted to hope that the stones which compose the way I am obliged to follow will lead me to your side again? 

Until that day, grant me a smile to warm me in the darkest hour when hope has abandoned me. 

A touch to fight against the fated thought of having lost an oportune moment of bliss. 

A kiss to save this wretched soul from a life of dispair and agony away from so glorious a face. 

A word to have the mind remember so innocent a sensation as this passionate devotion. 

Until I again gaze upon so sweet a countenance, faithful I shall remain to only you. 

 

Captivating

Violent inspiration strikes my heart yet again. Of what you desire to hear, love? 

I am beyond capable to tell about the melody in which the trees delight. To pass along the glorious essence possessed by each flower presents no true challenge. To create the shapes of each sole cloud before your eyes may be easily accomplished. 

If an obstacle is to be conquered, let me then define the method in which we love. Such blind devotion may be sure to run the world to madness as it is such madness which had bewitched every part of my being. I must struggle to control my insanity lest I allow myself to fun about the streets declaring the lovesick condition you have left me in. 

I have not the slightest hope of recovery. I am to be held captive in your pleasing attentions with no want of an escape. 

To be sure, I have no need of escaping your everlasting adoration. 

Thoughts and Reflections

I have been thinking lately about the future. I know that I have no idea what will actually happen, but I still find reason to dwell on the unknown. I discovered that I don’t know what I really want to do. There are things I can do well and there are things I love doing and things I do well that I love doing. But somehow I am still uncertain about my eventual path or current passions even.

I was doing a quiet time the other day [about a week ago] and I wasn’t really digging the topic I was on at the time. So I closed my Bible to just journal about things and talk to God that way while listening to Natalie Grant singing “Our Hope Endures” [a personal favorite].

“You would think only so much can go wrong. Calamity only strikes once. And you assume that this one has suffered her share. Life will be kinder from here.
But sometimes the sun stays hidden for years, sometimes the sky rains night after night. When will it clear?
But our hope endures the worst of conditions! It’s more than our optimism. Let the earth quake! Our hope is unchanged!
How do we comprehend peace within pain? Or joy at a good man’s wake? Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn with illness but she marches on.
But sometimes the sun stays hidden for years, sometimes the sky rains night after night. When will it clear?
But our hope endures the worst of conditions! It’s more than our optimism. Let the earth quake! Our hope is unchanged!
Emmanuel, God is with us. El Shaddai, all sufficient. Emmanuel, God is with us. El Shaddai, all sufficient. Emmanuel, God is with us. El Shaddai, all sufficient. 

We never walk alone and this is our hope.
Our hope endures the worst of conditions! It’s more than our optimism. Let the earth quake! Let the earth quake! Let the earth quake! Our hope is unchanged! “

Then I started wandering [mentally]. I thought about how we have a heavenly hope. A supernatural assurance. A hidden certainty. We have idea what will actually happen but we don’t need to know because we trust in the most powerful being! Paul said it best in Philippians 3:8, “I belong to Christ.”

Then I thought about the way that the passage in James 4:13-15 ties into this in that we lift every aspect of our lives up to God. We have no idea what He has planned for us. But we know that He has our best at heart which means growing closer to Him. THAT is the best. We need nothing else.

“Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are but a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.’ “

I still have no idea what will happen but I know for sure that no matter what it is, it’ll be the best for me!

Truth

What are the lies I believe in??
• I am not beautiful enough.
• I am not valued.
• I am not treasured.
• I am not trusted.
• I am not worth investing in.
• I am not kind to others.
• I am not making any sort of difference.
• I am not desired.


What are the benefits to believing these lies??
If I believe I am not beautiful, not valued, not treasured, not trusted, not worth investing in, not kind to others, not making any sort of a difference, not desired, then I am believing a LIE from the deepest pit! These do not benefit me! They break me down and hold me captive to this deception! I am held back from doing what I desire most … serve Him. 

When these falsehoods creep in, they begin to rot my passion. I allow myself to cave into the idea that I am worthless and a sad shell of a human. I am almost convinced at times that I really AM the lowest of the low and nothing could redeem me, no act could cleanse me and no person could ever think about the distant possibility of wanting me. When I believe these fallacies, I hurt the one who is consistently my steadfast shelter. This doubt clings to me and reminds me of who I could be had I not been plucked out of my disgusting state.

But I have been made new! I have a new name! I really am beautiful, valued, treasured, trusted, worthy of investment, kind, desired and because I believe these truths, I am making a difference. Since beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, I’m stunning to Him.


What is the truth??
• I am made in His image. I even have a sense of humor.
• I am a pearl of great price and everything was risked for the slightest chance to win my heart.
• I am held in His hand every day and nothing will rip me from Him.
• I am trustworthy and God uses me to speak to others by encouraging, gently correcting and loving them.
• I am a pretty big deal! I only know a few men that would give everything for me. I haven’t met a single one that didn’t know me and went to Hell and back just to know me.
• The Fruit of the Spirit can be seen in the way I treat people and how I speak.
• I may not always hear how I am encouraging people, but God will turn everything I do for Him into good.
• I am always welcome in His arms and he longs for me like no other.



o “For You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
• Psalm 139:13-14
o “Again, the kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.”
• Matthew 13:44-45
o “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.”
• Galatians 5:22-26