One

I swore I'd never laugh again. 
I said I wouldn't be happy. 
I told myself I couldn't go on. 

I lied. 

I've laughed, I've been happy, I made it a whole year without you. 

This is the worst lie I've ever told. 

I meant to wallow for months and become catatonic with grief. I fully intended to waste away after banishing food and water. I tried to detach myself from life. I failed. 

"Not a day goes by when I don't think of you." 

^^ It's not a corny movie line; it's real. Yesterday I called you and when I heard the third ring I remembered -- nope, no one's home. 

My new apartment and my job are the only places I've been in a year that you haven't touched. I keep trying to imagine your input on my bedding and decorating choices, I want to pretend you're in my microscopic kitchen listening to me complain about the lack of counter space. I want so badly to have you elevate your poor swollen ankles on my couch while we talk about all the meaningful nothings. I miss the nothings more than the big stuff. I want to feel you play with my hair while we babble. I want all this more than I can say.

But I don't want you back. Everything I need to succeed in this life echos through my head in your voice. The things I used to roll my eyes at are the words I turn to when I know I need my Mama:

"Give yourself GRACE, Jenn."
"I'm your biggest CHEERLEADER."
"I am so PROUD of you."
"I don't get most of your jokes but I love to see you SMILE." 
"Wisdom means nothing without KINDNESS." "Who loves you, BABY GIRL."

I watched your heart stop. I watched over thirty people nearly break their backs to try to bring you back to me. I washed your body and cleaned you up so your family wouldn't have to see how broken your body became. I heard your eulogy and refused to accept it. I kept my eyes on your casket as you were placed in the ground where I visit you every month, sometimes more. 

But you're not really gone.  

Your body's dead but you left enough breadcrumbs behind for us to survive on little doses of you at a time. I see you in my hands, I hear you in my sister's voice, I catch your thoughts in my brother's words, and I see a bit of your worry in my father's advice. 

"You're just like your mother!"

^^ This will never be an insult to me. If I'm only a fraction of you I will count my life a success as I'm carried in feet first. 

I miss you everyday --  some days more than others. I talk to you often -- not aloud (I don't want people thinking I'm crazy). I see your face every night before I shut off my light -- our picture sits on a shelf in my room. I feel your arms as I flip through my recipe cards (most of them in your handwriting). 

I miss you more than words can say. 
I'm more grateful than I can ever express. 
You knew how much I love you.
I'm glad you don't know how much I ache for you.

"I'll love you forever, 
I'll like you for always, 
As long as I'm living 
My MAMA you'll be."

Happy Anniversary.

I'm not always good.

CAUTION!!!

*UNCENSORED THOUGHTS*

Today a woman in a giant, white SUV cut me off in the Costco parking lot, cussed my mother and me out, and stole our parking spot. Instead of sucking it up to find another spot and just going grocery shopping, I waited until she went in the store and wrote out a passive aggressive note to put under her windshield wiper. 

I had finished my shopping and who else should be standing in front of me in the checkout line but that woman who had made my blood boil. I didn't say a thing. I glared like a jealous high schooler. She saw me and kept her head down until she was out of the store. I felt satisfied that I had made my point [whatever it was] and had made her ashamed of herself. 

I'm having some strong regret right now. 

I shouldn't have written that note. I should have offered to unload her things from the cart to the conveyor belt when she struggled with her milk cartons. I should have mustered up a smile. I should have just been a grown up. But my vindictive urges got the better of me and I was a full blown bitch.

What if she had just gotten out of a doctor's appointment where she found out she had terminal cancer and would die in three months? What if she was at the store to buy food for her mother's funeral? What if her husband had just confessed to an affair and demanded a divorce as she was pulling in to pick up snacks for her seventeen grandkids? What if I had apologized for yelling back at her? Would that have been the only reprieve in her miserable day and I blew it?

I mean, she could have just been rude and not struggling with anything but I should know better by now than to be so passive aggressive and callous.

I'm sorry, Stranger, for my asinine behavior and impatient words. I hope your day gets better or someone gives you chocolate at least. I promise to try a little harder next time.

     -Jenn

If I ever write a Kid's Book ...

The Lavender Family Tree

Written by Jennifer Durrant

As told by Linus Alexander VonTube

-- A Lavender Top Tube

“Alright, class! It’s time to start another day! Please take your seats and let’s begin.” Miss Sunshine was a kind teacher, all the yellow tops were. Her favorite subject was history, but today she wanted to help her students understand a little bit about their own history.

As she passed out a stack of papers she explained the assignment, “As some of you may know, in only a few years you will have graduated and it will be time for you to select an occupation. I hope this will help you choose a career path. You are to create a family tree.” Ignoring the wave of moans sweeping over her class, she continued, “I know, this is not what you had planned for your weekend, but I am sure you will do a wonderful job!”

“What are you going to do for yours, Linus?” asked Bobby. These two had been best friends since before they knew how to say their own additives. Even though Bobby was a blue top tube, they didn’t let the color of their tops come between their friendship.

“I think I’ll just wing it. It’s not a big deal.” He replied.

“What? That’s so unlike you! I thought you’d have eight different ideas by now! You’re the smartest kid I know!” Bobby was stunned!

“I know, but I’m just not really into finding out about my family. I’ll wait til the last minute.”

Later that night while struggling with his math, Linus decided to postpone his fractions by drafting an email to send to his relatives. As he tracked down their locations, he began to wonder what he could possibly ask them. All lavender top tubes had the same additive to prevent clotting, so he already knew they would have EDTA. How many times they should be inverted? No, that would be the same, too - - 5 to 8 inversions. He could ask them where they retire!! No, most lavender tops go to Hematology.

Becoming increasingly frustrated, he decided to just ask them about their jobs. He could make up more dramatic answers later.

“Hello, all. My name is Linus and I’m a student at The Phlebotomy School for Gifted Tubes. My class has been assigned the project of creating a family tree. If you are willing to help me complete my project, please respond with a description of your occupation and a few highlights of your position.

Thank you,
Linus Alexander VonTube”

With a tap of the keys, he sent away his request and crawled under his covers.

The next few days of school were a blur. So many students completed their projects overnight! Cindy, the cute red top, had an uncle in the CIA who could spot a lie faster than a snapping glove. He even came in and taught the class a few tricks! Donovan, the grey top tube, practically grew up around policemen. His parents ran the EOTH lab at the local police department so they were able to tell when alcohol was in someone’s bloodstream. Everyone else had such cool family history that it was causing Linus to panic.

Finally, Friday came and Linus ran all the way home to check his email for any responses. He was surprised to see that everyone had written back!

“Dear Linus,

My name is Sergeant Larry VonTube and I am a Drill Sergeant. I can not reveal my location as it may jeopardize my mission, but I can tell you exactly what it is that I do. 

I yell.
I am in charge of keeping track of hundreds of soldiers so I need to make sure they understand their orders. I can tell you every strategy we have ever used against the enemy. We can take down a pollen allergy within 20 minutes and still have time to do 80 pushups before that supper bell rings.

I personally oversee five different types of soldiers. Now, I’ll tell you about my men, but I’ll use code so you can sound more impressive to your classmates.

You’ve got your basic Marines, we call ‘em Neutrophils ‘cause they neutralized the enemy. They swoop in and devour our opponent faster than you can drop your jaw.

Then we have our Army, we call them Monocytes. They take charge if the Marines just can’t polish our adversary off yet.

Our CIA and Airforce are my pride and joy. My Lymphocytes are the smartest bunch there is. They can identify any enemy and create any weapons to eliminate any target.

But our special forces are really something else. We call ‘em Basophils and Eosinophils and they sure aren’t much to look at with their prescription eye wear and - - uh - - delicate people skills, but they can make any chemical weapon you could possibly imagine. We only save ‘em for special occasions, primarily during springtime, but they sure work hard.

God Bless Blood,
Sergeant Larry VonTube”

Linus clicked on another email.

“Hello, Linus! I’m Loraine VonTube and I am a School Counselor just a few towns away from you! My co-workers call my students ‘ridiculous retics’ and - - call me crazy but - - I love my job! I get so many young red blood cells coming into my office telling me that they just want to drop out and it’s my job to encourage them to finish school first.

Hoping you too finish school,
Loraine Kathryn VonTube”

Linus noticed the next email had an odd attachment. He opened it to find a photo of Big Ben and the London Eye.

“Hello, young man. I am Sir Leopold Elijah Lexington Alexander VonTube the Third. I am considered rather elite in my region as it is my sole duty to monitor the fall of certain, shall we say, cells. The locals have a drab little name for my line of work but I find the decline of others to be most fascinating. I don’t believe ‘SED rate’ sums up my passions very well, but it will suffice for the time being.

Cheerio,
Sir Leopold Elijah Lexington Alexander VonTube the Third”

As Linus read through the emails, he discovered that his family members were involved in incredible lines of work! Lucinda was a Cruise Director with Whole Blood Cruise Lines and they took red blood cells all over the world! She had to know how many there were and where they were going and what they were doing, which sounded stressful to Linus but Lucinda seemed to love her job!

Then there was Liam, a local firefighter. He loved responding to calls for platelets to plug a wound. The rush was exhilarating! He was so thorough, that he would even have time to collect a few phone numbers from the ladies while the rest of the men finished up. Linus didn’t really understand what that meant, but he saved the email and continued reading.

Linus opened yet another email.

“My name is Lisa VonTube and I am an accountant for the IRS. Most people don’t enjoy hearing from me, but I am devoted to my profession! I am the Head Director for our CBC Department. I am in charge of delegating certain responsibilities under this umbrella title. We have to confirm the present population of all cells. We are only responsible for gathering this information and passing it on to our supervisors. I sure am glad I’m good with numbers!”

Linus had saved all of these letters and pictures to his computer and just when he was going to close his web browser, a new email was delivered. He opened it.

“From the Desk of the President,
Dear Mr. VonTube,
Thank you for being such a diligent student! When my secretary informed me of your request, I set aside time to respond with as much information as you need. As you may have gathered from my letterhead, I am the President. My jobs vary, but I am able to perform with responsibility because my employees are meticulous in their research. It is my duty as Commander in Chief to protect these lands and maintain open communication with our defense systems.

If we are under attack, I am responsible for deploying certain defenses to properly protect our territory. My technical title for this position is WBC Diff, but my real job is being the President.

Thank you for your work,

Luther VonTube, President”

Linus knew he had many jobs to choose from when the time came. He printed out the letters and photos, placed them in a folder, and when Monday came he read these things aloud to his class.

Linus received an A+ on his assignment which made him happy, but he was even more excited to one day meet all his family members.

The End

The Pulpit and Doctor Who

"Jesus came to live the life we should have lived and he died the death we should have died so we could have the life he intended for us."

-Tommy Allen, FEPC Pastor 

It struck me as strange to hear this. I had always known that Jesus died for our sins and gave us salvation once we accept him, but I never gave much thought to the concept of Jesus living the perfect life. We were stuck in this vicious cycle of knowing only God could save us and a man had to die with no hope of a hybrid on the horizon. 

The solution?? God was made human, lived the sinless life as a man, died as a sinner, and guaranteed life to all who follow Him. 

That sounds like a pretty simple formula. You're probably going to chuckle at least a little when I admit that I never thought about the notion that He had to live in order to die. I know, I'm just sooo logical and I never miss these things! But, wouldn't it have just been easier to pop into existence a few hours ahead of the crucifixion, implant memories into everyone's minds, toss a few choice evidence markers around, and then not die?? That sounds like an awesome beginning to a Sci-Fi show [referencing Doctor Who here] but it certainly leaves something to be desired, doesn't it?? 

I know that if I tried to live the 'perfect life' for even one day, everyone around me would get a small sample of Hell when I would inevitably fail. I know I can't be sinless. None of us could! Abraham, Moses, David and anyone you could ever think of, even your heroes, all failed at it, too. Until a man [who was also God] did it for us and gave us the credit. It's like going to school and getting the best grades but when applying for jobs you put someone else's name on your resume and offering to pay their loans in addition to yours. Doesn't really make much sense ...

I think I tend to forget the severity of His commitment and then a comment like this comes along, I'm floored again for a few days.

"Just today, nobody dies!"

- Christopher Eccleston, 9th Doctor 

^^ This ^^ is how my nerd-self understands what God is wanting for us; not to be taken from Him -- not to 'die'.

Do you know why Doctor Who is such an appealing show to me?? I'll give you a hint: It's not just about the stunning graphics. On some level, it's an amazing, endless fairy tale for adults. Seriously, our version of Peter Pan is a Time Lord! Instead of pixie dust we have the TARDIS. Instead of Hook, we have The Master or whichever antagonist is in whatever episode you happen to be watching. Wendy?? She's your companion of choice! London?? Still in almost every episode. Come on, are there no other places to attack Earth from outer space?? You travel light years to go to the same city five hundred times -- Get it together, aliens; you know what maps look like ...

I could go on [and I just might sometime in another post] but I digress to return to telling you what captured me about this BBC beauty. This man chooses to come and save the day over and over and over and over and usually without anyone knowing it. But he doesn't do it perfectly otherwise we could never relate to him. No, he makes mistakes like us, but he has power we can't begin to fathom. In this instance, the Time Lords are kind of like the modern "God: For Dummies" with a human twist in so we can grasp that concept with a little bit more ease. 

I'll leave that idea there for if I go too far I'll be forced to bring in Greek mythology to balance out the mix and explain things and then this whole post will go nowhere.

This is a just a small glimpse inside my mind. The musings of a nerd and bibliophile with a passion for tea and rain. Someday someone will read this and some part of it will make some sort of sense. Until then, I'll write some more, wear out my bible, teach myself to knit, and binge on books. 

And do some Doctor Who stuff, too. 

Maybe. 

Sisters, Sisters

Isn't it strange that just when you're doubting yourself or your abilities, someone comes along and blesses you out of nowhere! My sister asked me to come with her to one of her treatments tomorrow at an infusion center. It's a process that needs at least 5 hours of the day and leaves her feeling tired and achy. I have no problem being in hospitals or around blood, needles and guts, but for some reason, every time Heather needs an infusion of either steroids or an IGD treatment ... 

I just feel so helpless ... 

If she's at home, I can run upstairs to get that one color of nail polish she wants or the face wash she forgot. If she's in the hospital, I can bug the staff for blankets and ice chips. Kind of a difference. 

So, just now, as I was debating even going with my mom and sister early tomorrow morning, she reminded me that she needs me still:

"A joyful heart is good medicine" ~Psalms 17v22~

Nobody can administer better "medicine" than my sister. I asked Jennifer Lovejoy Durrant to accompany me to my infusion tomorrow morning. There's never a dull moment with that girl! She will pull out ALL the stops to make sure I'm comfortable and have a perma-smile on my face. Not only that but she made me a ton of deviled eggs (Jenn's are the best!!!!!!!! and my stomach can handle them :)

So thankful for you Jenn Love, you're the BEST sister of the world!

I wasn't going to say anything about my 'Self Doubting Thomas' mentality, but the timing was just right. I guess the Holy Spirit used her sincere words to urge me into another day of loving service. 

I will never let on to her that I hate these days. I love that there's a potential treatment, but I hate that the ones who want her healthy and happy more than anyone else are also the ones that fight along with her. But that's the definition of family where the Durrants are involved. I will assume the role of older sister time and time again just to show to others that I mean to keep her safe as she heals. 

I am the fence around a playground, 

enabling safety in playtime. 

I am the guardrail on the road, 

reminding a driver to turn. 

I am the lions roar 

that warns you if you come too close to what's dear. 

I am the soft, downy pillow 

that collects every tear and secret.

I am the clown that presents balloon animals 

to entice a smile. 

I am the friend 

who defends another's virtue in private.

I am the Aaron to her Moses; 

I hold her head when she can't. 

I the friend she wants. 

I am her helper. 

I am her sister. 

There will never be a day when I don't doubt myself. But just for today, I am certain that I am a good sister and a cherished one at that. 

If you remember, pray for Heather's health to grow.

Guilt and Progress

I recently had the joy of being admitted to Pima Medical Institute's phlebotomy program. After conquering the first interview, scoring a 38/50 on an unexpected test with math, reading & logic when only 14 correct answers were needed, impressing key members of the staff all on only four hours of sleep, I was so happy that I broke out into a skip on the way to the car! And again after the second interview. And I'll probably do it again after my financial aid appointment, so expect to hear from me when that comes around. 

I also had make a very difficult decision that hurt the feelings of several of my friends. I had to back out of a wedding. I had the dress, the hairstyle, the shoes all picked out and I was so excited to see two of my friends be married! After hearing about their fights and dates and enduring the seemingly endless cooing of couples in love, I was ready to get my party on! 

It wasn't until after I had committed to the program that 

I realized I could only do 

one or the other.

The program is very strict about missing classes since the course is only 13 weeks long. But on the other hand, I wanted to be there when my friends committed to each other and celebrated their vows. 

I cried and prayed for so long for another option to present itself that would allow me to do both! Sure the wedding was on a Sunday, but just hearing about the work load in the program had me second guessing my part in the festivities.

Finally, just a few nights ago, I sent a message to the bride explaining my sorrow, showing my regret, and communicating my joy for her that I wouldn't be able to share in person.

I had made my decision. Then I waited for the aftermath. 

It didn't take long before my mind started whispering to me that I was a "terrible friend", I was "unreliable" oh, and my personal favorite, I "couldn't care less". It took hours til I was able to fully greet sleep with open arms. But I awoke to the same, repeating ideas. 

After a loaded guilt trip from another acquaintance, I broke down. I just sat on my bed and welcomed tears of sorrow.  

"I'm finally getting my life on track! You'd think my friends would be happy for me! They should know how much I love them!"

Then they quickly turned to bitter, angry tears.  

"They have no idea what I've done for them for years! I was always there for them even when I just wanted some time for myself!"

After a rather lengthy texting session with a dear friend, I was calm again and ready to accept reality. [It's amazing how your mood changed when someone offers to beat someone else up for you even when you never think to ask.]

I hate missing out on Life's important moments, but the reality is this: 

I can't grow up 

if I don't move on.

I could adopt a Peter Pan mentality and promise never to grow up, but that would only get me as far as an asylum. No, I have to grow up. And I'm not moving on to something I dread like chemistry or math! 

I will be helping people! 

I'll be doing the job others hate to even think about! I will play a part in helping a mother fight cancer so she will see her children graduate high school. I will help a sister discover a hopeful treatment to battle a bleak diagnoses. I will calm children so their parents can rest at ease for a brief moment.

"If you sacrifice nothing for something, then you are left 

with nothing still."

-Unknown

Almost everything comes with a price. For an education, we give up money. For a social life, we give up sleep. For higher paying job, we give up family dinners. For braces, we give up any hopes for good pictures for the next few years. All good things require sacrifice. 

I'm still sad I'll miss a great party, but God has a plan laid out for me and I'm way more excited to see that! 

James 4 reminds me of two things. 

1.) I can make my own plans, but when God show me what I need to be doing, I'd better get to it. 

2.) If I know that something is wrong and I don't speak out in truth against it, then I have sinned.

¹³ Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— ¹⁴ yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. ¹⁷  So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
James 4:13-17

As I said in my last post, live your life so that your 'yes' and 'no' need not be questioned. In everything we say and do, let it reflect the love of God.

Good fences make good relationships.

Have you ever been overwhelmed with the feeling that you just let someone down even if you didn't really?? Or maybe believing that you're worthless and aimless is your specialty. Perhaps allowing your heart to be used as a welcome mat for others that don't deserve you is where your talent lies. Maybe you're an emotional whore or chronic substitute mother. 

Choir, this is your preacher talking. 

I could be defined in so many friendships by these terms. You need something?? I'm on it! Never mind that I was in bed sound asleep with either:

1) Swollen ankles

2) A cold

3) The flu 

4) A painful monthly visitor

5) A migraine

6) An urgent desire to bond with my pillow

7) Any or all of the above 

I have what you would call "My Girl Syndrome". It's a sickness, really. I will do anything for you to make your life easier. I will massage most of your body if you are sick [depending on your gender and our level of friendship]. I will let you cry and offer you brownies and tea until you take them even if you don't want them. I will make a brave face for weeks at a time so you can be the one to get the support you need. I will let you yell at me if you're in pain or sad or angry so you don't say something you regret to someone else. I will cry with you and constantly pray over you whether you want it or not. I will celebrate your victories with you and never let on how much I wish I was in your shoes. I will try to say the right things and fail almost every time. And I will rarely have my boundaries respected. 

I could be the best friend you've ever had ... if I ever let you get close enough.

Few people know me. I mean, really know me. You may know a few things about me, but I guarantee no one knows me like my family. For instance, when a family member is having a bad day and I end up spending more than 10 minutes in the bathroom, I'm crying. When I'm nervous, they know the certain laugh that says 'get me out of here'. My family knows all my tells.

Some of my old friends knew my tells, too. They knew my "no" meant "no, I'm really tired and I don't want to", but insisted, I was begrudgingly roped into their plans. I can take a joke, but teasing would quickly and consistently lead to bullying. 

Now, I am willing to lay down so much for a friend, so you may be able to relate to me when I tell you I am hurt when those sacrifices are not reciprocated. It sounds silly to some, but it makes sense to me that when a friend invites you to dinner or a hangout session, you'd do the same. If a friend is in crisis, I come to their aid and vice versa.If they're bored, you'd better do your best to eek a few chuckles out before you head on home.

I am an emotional whore. 

I expect that my sacrifices will be understood and reciprocated, and I am severely disappointed when I'm let down. A common courtesy of even quietly acknowledging my contribution goes unseen. 

This is not about me, despite the overwhelming presence of I's in this post. This is about you, if this relates to you at all. You see, I have the most difficult time setting up and maintaining boundaries. I can say 'no' fairly easily, but actually keeping to my word proves to be a challenge. My mind whirs with thoughts that I'm really letting someone down, or they'll be disappointed in me, or they'll think that I think that they think that I think [insert any negative remark here]. 

James 5:12 reminds us to live out lives in such a way that when we say 'yes' or 'no' we aren't met with the incredulous remark of 'really?' but in the same breathe also encourages us to support each other in every season of life. 

¹⁰ As an example of suffering and patience, brothers, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. ¹¹ Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.

¹² But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.

¹³ Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. ¹⁴ Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵ And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 

-James 5:10-15

While I still struggle with being truthful about my expectations, emotions and feelings, I'm asking you to try something with me, whoever is reading this. Try being honest for one week. I say 'I'm fine.' the same way an alcoholic says they don't have a drinking problem so try this with me. 

Speak!

Say what you feel when it's appropriate and to someone you trust. Don't waste your time and other peoples oxygen gossiping about it. Express your expectations and find a suitable agreement. Speak up for yourself when you feel like your feelings are getting stepped on. But with all of this, reply with grace and respect. 

I know, I know, I'm the pot calling the kettle black here. 

I'm pretty hot-headed when it comes to being candid, but please, just try it with me?? Help me not be such a floozy with my heart, time, and resources! 

This probably came out all scattered and as jumbled as my thoughts, but if you made it this far, congratulations. You're as confused as I am. 

There's really no resolution to this so you can stop reading now. 

No, really. Go do something. 

Anything. 

Why is Good Friday good??

DISCLAIMER:

This is not a theologically packed post or even matter-of-fact. This is an outlet for these thoughts that bump around in my head and won't let me sleep until I offer to share them with you. So, here we go.

-------------------------------------------------------

I made a list of the people Jesus died for, and I'm pretty sure you're in it:

Sick people.
Healthy people.
Tall people.
Short people.
Slender people.
Fat people.
Educated people.
Rapists.
Prostitutes.
Lonely people.
Murderers.
Pastors.
Doctors.
Homeless people.
Wealthy people.
Selfish people.
Martyrs.
Apathetic people.
Missionaries.
Well intentioned people.
Poor people.
Mentally disabled people.
Liars.
Teachers.
Thieves.
Kings.
Elderly people.
Geniuses.
Unborn babies.
Foolish people.
Attractive people.
Unwanted people.
Physically ruined people.
Gay people.
Clean people.
Blasphemous people.
Lesbians.
Judas.
Barabbas.
You.
Me.

"For God did not send His son to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him."

-John 3:17

What are you celebrating tonight?? 

I never gave much thought to Good Friday or Easter until just a few years ago. Without Easter, Christmas would be pretty lame. Another baby was born and died a 30-ish years later on a Friday. Lived a pretty cool life. Got some rumors trailing after him, some might be true but it's really no big deal. 

What's the point in Jesus dying so we can live if He can't even defeat death?? Any man can say they will protect you and even die for you! But what man can come back to love you after that task has been completed?? 

So, why is Good Friday 'good'?? A man who was a benefit to society, a law abiding citizen [for the most part], a welcome face in circles shunned by the public is called out in the middle of the night for a hearty beat down and questioning session in front of religious and political leaders that don't really want to deal with him or have already made up their minds and then dies naked tied and nailed up on a tree trunk. That does not sound good to me. That sounds like a terrible beginning to a novel that ends with everyone being far too happy and perfect. 

It's good because it is the drum roll to freedom. That's Good Friday. It's not the instant solution to life. It's the way out of your death penalty. 

"For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. But now that you have been set free from sin and have become servants of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

-Romans 6:20-25

What's a gift if it isn't free?? A con.

Jesus did not come to barter for your soul and trick you into getting the short end of the stick. He lived to die. He died for you to live. Not so you'd have a pulse now, but for you to always live. Good Friday is a way for us to remember how much we cost and how much was willingly paid. 

Freedom never tasted so sweet.

Plans

If you happened to be on Facebook on Friday the 31st of March, you may have seen a rather exuberant post made by yours truly regarding a successful interview and acceptance to PIMA Medical Institute to pursue a certification in Phlebotomy. 

I'm so excited to actually have a plan of action and a passion to pursue this! I know I'll be teased for being a vampire or have to endure long stories of other people's terrible blood draws, but I'm just too happy to care. 

It's a quarter long program with an externship included and I'll be starting classes on June 4th.

This is where I'll be studying: 

http://www.campusexplorer.com/colleges/647FCFC6/Washington/Renton/Pima-Medical-Institute-Renton/

This is how I'll get to class: 

http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.r_qf.,cf.osb&biw=1366&bih=664&um=1&ie=UTF-8&q=pima+renton+wa&fb=1&gl=us&hq=pima&hnear=0x549008cc03bb6f23:0xcd42b24716babb9f,Renton,+WA&cid=0,0,11160805262192763419&ei=w918T7L8BYiViALzscmmDQ&sa=X&oi=local_result&ct=image&sqi=2&ved=0CBwQ_BI

This is the definition of what I will be doing: 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phlebotomy 

If you ask me what I'm doing with my life, this is it!

Q & A

If you've asked me about my plans for the coming months or year or even the upcoming weekend, you may have gotten a vague answer.Since my lack of answers seem to be getting on the wrong side of a few, I offer this explanation:

I really have no idea what my plans are. I promise I'm not brushing you off so you can't get involved in my life, I really don't know what the next step is for me. I do have things that I want to have all planned out, but they're just hanging in the air. If only one of them would fall onto a planner, then I could plot out the rest of them. It doesn't really matter which one comes through first, just any of them of them will do.

I feel bad having to say, "I don't know..." so much. I really do want to have answers and plans and things to do. I guess I still need to learn to wait on God's plan. I've never been good at that though. If you know anything about me, you know I'm about as impatient as they come. So for me to feel idle and unproductive and I still face questions of purpose is rendering me quite anxious, another quality that just has to go.

-Trust and Anxiety-

Two things God is trying to get me to let go of.

I'm not looking for sympathy or suggestions in planning, but I'd love the help of your prayers and encouragement.

Today

As I was out running errands today with my mom, I caught myself smiling for an extended amount of time for no apparent reason. The sun was shining, I had done a good portion of homework, I had a Starbucks beverage in hand and bags of groceries and new purchases in the trunk of our Saturn. The leaves were starting to think about turning in color as husbands trudged to the store to purchase rakes and the like. I had no make up on and I had done the bare minimum to my hair and was wearing an old t-shirt that I simply made me feel not at all pretty.

That's when I realized ...

I wasn't in pain! I was out of the house for seven hours with no medicine and several transfers from wheelchair to chair and car and back to the wheelchair while being jostled around the stores and knocked into display cases and I could not stop being happy and content! [Unfortunately, this feeling ceased when I couldn't get the sewing machine to work.] But from the moment I awoke until 30 minutes ago I have been so very pleased with today.

For no real reason.

=]

Just felt like rubbing it in I guess ... Just kidding, I know so many have been praying for a recovery for my body and I'm starting to think that today was the first victorious 'step' [get it??] in the healing process. And I just wanted to share it with you.

Change of Plans

Well, after months of anticipating a full recovery by this point, I feel a tad disappointed to say the least. While this has been the longest and most painful four months I can recall, I still have some more weeks of the same to go through.

The diagnosis for my knee issue is this:
Bursitis-
http://www.drugs.com/cg/knee-bursitis.html
Patellar Tendonitis-
http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/patelladisorders/a/patellartendon.htm
Cartilage Damage-
http://orthopedics.about.com/od/hipknee/a/ocd.htm

For which the cure is:
Cortisone Injection -
http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/paindrugs/a/cortisone.htm
Physical Therapy -
 http://www.webmd.com/pain-management/tc/physical-therapy-topic-overview

Translation:
This is a common sports injury [which oddly makes me feel better]that just takes time to heal. In the meantime, not walking is going to be at the top of my list as I rest over here on the West Side with my family and a few close friends.

Keep praying!

=]

Control

If the human brain is the most powerful part of the our bodies, can it not also be the weakest?

We have all heard it over and over again:

"It's mind over matter." 

"Think positive!"

"It's all in your mind."

"You're just imagining things."

Well, what if this powerful part of our body that is able to tell the rest of the body how to respond, react and reply is not the strong suit of armor that we thought it was??

What if the thing we have yet to mapped out is what both protects and demolishes?? 

It is quite easy for me to become trapped in my mind. I don't mean to sound all 'Ghost Whisperer' on you or something, but I tend to fix my attention on insignificant details and flaws for days at a time. I worry so easily. I can turn the same four minute conversation over in my head for days at a time and still not be satisfied. And in the midst of the current obsession, I neglect whatever is around me. I do not respond well to people or I forget to eat or I wear the same shirt three days in a row. 

I worry. 

I would go so far as to say that I invite worry. I set aside a teacup and a comfy overstuffed chair just so Anxiety may come to stay a while to chat with me.

There's something about being a girl that includes the issue of becoming trapped in one's own thoughts. Even though the weaker sex talks so much, we camouflage our corner of Anxiety with an afghan of Feminine Complexities so we may be able to avoid spring cleaning in that particular corner.

This thought of Control will go further by saying this: 

Who sits in your comfy overstuffed chair??

Is it Anxiety?? Is it just you?? Is it the Enemy??

I have found that in the times I struggle most with thoughts of worry and doubt and self-loathing are the times that I can barely hear the Truth. The seductive whispers of the Enemy are so close to me that they come closer and closer to blocking the call of my Savior declaring songs of Love. 

Do you want to know the scary part??

Sometimes I think I want to listen to the Lies and the Worry and the Doubt and the Self Hatred instead of dwelling in the Truth. It's so much easier for me to kick myself than it is to submit to disciplined and loving pruning by my Savior.

This shouldn't happen, right?? I should want only to bask knowing my Savior dances and sings over me and have a burning desire to show others this devotion! 

Is there something wrong with me that I push away Desire to request Deceit??

The Answer:

Yeah. There's something wrong with a girl not wanting to hear that she is treasured so she can listen to a bully's taunting. There's something wrong with a woman rejecting Prince Charming for the Villain. There's something wrong with a lady turning down a palace so she can claim cardboard as her home. There's something wrong with a person inviting a threat, a disease, a robber in to share close quarters when they know better. 

I have a problem trusting that God really does know what's best for me. He's kept His promises so far so I shouldn't have an issue with it, right?? 

Well, even thought God is faithful, I am forgetful. I always believe that little whisper that introduces the idea that "Maybe this time, He'll forget to give me the best." But even when I forget to listen to the voice of my Shepherd, He is faithful to remind me to listen. 

There's a reason why the bible refers to people as 'sheep'. We're pretty dumb. We don't think of the consequences of our actions and we end up getting hurt or lost. It's a good thing our Shepherd is never going to say, "Eh, she'll come back on her own. I don't need to go find her right now. Maybe she'll learn a lesson this time about leaving the herd." What kind of shepherd would that be??

Our God is faithful. He will never let us run too far from His grace.

[1 Corinthians 10:13] 

There is always a voice that bellows and  pleads to repeat the same Truth ... 

 ... I am His.