Sisters, Sisters

Isn't it strange that just when you're doubting yourself or your abilities, someone comes along and blesses you out of nowhere! My sister asked me to come with her to one of her treatments tomorrow at an infusion center. It's a process that needs at least 5 hours of the day and leaves her feeling tired and achy. I have no problem being in hospitals or around blood, needles and guts, but for some reason, every time Heather needs an infusion of either steroids or an IGD treatment ... 

I just feel so helpless ... 

If she's at home, I can run upstairs to get that one color of nail polish she wants or the face wash she forgot. If she's in the hospital, I can bug the staff for blankets and ice chips. Kind of a difference. 

So, just now, as I was debating even going with my mom and sister early tomorrow morning, she reminded me that she needs me still:

"A joyful heart is good medicine" ~Psalms 17v22~

Nobody can administer better "medicine" than my sister. I asked Jennifer Lovejoy Durrant to accompany me to my infusion tomorrow morning. There's never a dull moment with that girl! She will pull out ALL the stops to make sure I'm comfortable and have a perma-smile on my face. Not only that but she made me a ton of deviled eggs (Jenn's are the best!!!!!!!! and my stomach can handle them :)

So thankful for you Jenn Love, you're the BEST sister of the world!

I wasn't going to say anything about my 'Self Doubting Thomas' mentality, but the timing was just right. I guess the Holy Spirit used her sincere words to urge me into another day of loving service. 

I will never let on to her that I hate these days. I love that there's a potential treatment, but I hate that the ones who want her healthy and happy more than anyone else are also the ones that fight along with her. But that's the definition of family where the Durrants are involved. I will assume the role of older sister time and time again just to show to others that I mean to keep her safe as she heals. 

I am the fence around a playground, 

enabling safety in playtime. 

I am the guardrail on the road, 

reminding a driver to turn. 

I am the lions roar 

that warns you if you come too close to what's dear. 

I am the soft, downy pillow 

that collects every tear and secret.

I am the clown that presents balloon animals 

to entice a smile. 

I am the friend 

who defends another's virtue in private.

I am the Aaron to her Moses; 

I hold her head when she can't. 

I the friend she wants. 

I am her helper. 

I am her sister. 

There will never be a day when I don't doubt myself. But just for today, I am certain that I am a good sister and a cherished one at that. 

If you remember, pray for Heather's health to grow.

Guilt and Progress

I recently had the joy of being admitted to Pima Medical Institute's phlebotomy program. After conquering the first interview, scoring a 38/50 on an unexpected test with math, reading & logic when only 14 correct answers were needed, impressing key members of the staff all on only four hours of sleep, I was so happy that I broke out into a skip on the way to the car! And again after the second interview. And I'll probably do it again after my financial aid appointment, so expect to hear from me when that comes around. 

I also had make a very difficult decision that hurt the feelings of several of my friends. I had to back out of a wedding. I had the dress, the hairstyle, the shoes all picked out and I was so excited to see two of my friends be married! After hearing about their fights and dates and enduring the seemingly endless cooing of couples in love, I was ready to get my party on! 

It wasn't until after I had committed to the program that 

I realized I could only do 

one or the other.

The program is very strict about missing classes since the course is only 13 weeks long. But on the other hand, I wanted to be there when my friends committed to each other and celebrated their vows. 

I cried and prayed for so long for another option to present itself that would allow me to do both! Sure the wedding was on a Sunday, but just hearing about the work load in the program had me second guessing my part in the festivities.

Finally, just a few nights ago, I sent a message to the bride explaining my sorrow, showing my regret, and communicating my joy for her that I wouldn't be able to share in person.

I had made my decision. Then I waited for the aftermath. 

It didn't take long before my mind started whispering to me that I was a "terrible friend", I was "unreliable" oh, and my personal favorite, I "couldn't care less". It took hours til I was able to fully greet sleep with open arms. But I awoke to the same, repeating ideas. 

After a loaded guilt trip from another acquaintance, I broke down. I just sat on my bed and welcomed tears of sorrow.  

"I'm finally getting my life on track! You'd think my friends would be happy for me! They should know how much I love them!"

Then they quickly turned to bitter, angry tears.  

"They have no idea what I've done for them for years! I was always there for them even when I just wanted some time for myself!"

After a rather lengthy texting session with a dear friend, I was calm again and ready to accept reality. [It's amazing how your mood changed when someone offers to beat someone else up for you even when you never think to ask.]

I hate missing out on Life's important moments, but the reality is this: 

I can't grow up 

if I don't move on.

I could adopt a Peter Pan mentality and promise never to grow up, but that would only get me as far as an asylum. No, I have to grow up. And I'm not moving on to something I dread like chemistry or math! 

I will be helping people! 

I'll be doing the job others hate to even think about! I will play a part in helping a mother fight cancer so she will see her children graduate high school. I will help a sister discover a hopeful treatment to battle a bleak diagnoses. I will calm children so their parents can rest at ease for a brief moment.

"If you sacrifice nothing for something, then you are left 

with nothing still."

-Unknown

Almost everything comes with a price. For an education, we give up money. For a social life, we give up sleep. For higher paying job, we give up family dinners. For braces, we give up any hopes for good pictures for the next few years. All good things require sacrifice. 

I'm still sad I'll miss a great party, but God has a plan laid out for me and I'm way more excited to see that! 

James 4 reminds me of two things. 

1.) I can make my own plans, but when God show me what I need to be doing, I'd better get to it. 

2.) If I know that something is wrong and I don't speak out in truth against it, then I have sinned.

¹³ Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— ¹⁴ yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. ¹⁷  So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
James 4:13-17

As I said in my last post, live your life so that your 'yes' and 'no' need not be questioned. In everything we say and do, let it reflect the love of God.

Good fences make good relationships.

Have you ever been overwhelmed with the feeling that you just let someone down even if you didn't really?? Or maybe believing that you're worthless and aimless is your specialty. Perhaps allowing your heart to be used as a welcome mat for others that don't deserve you is where your talent lies. Maybe you're an emotional whore or chronic substitute mother. 

Choir, this is your preacher talking. 

I could be defined in so many friendships by these terms. You need something?? I'm on it! Never mind that I was in bed sound asleep with either:

1) Swollen ankles

2) A cold

3) The flu 

4) A painful monthly visitor

5) A migraine

6) An urgent desire to bond with my pillow

7) Any or all of the above 

I have what you would call "My Girl Syndrome". It's a sickness, really. I will do anything for you to make your life easier. I will massage most of your body if you are sick [depending on your gender and our level of friendship]. I will let you cry and offer you brownies and tea until you take them even if you don't want them. I will make a brave face for weeks at a time so you can be the one to get the support you need. I will let you yell at me if you're in pain or sad or angry so you don't say something you regret to someone else. I will cry with you and constantly pray over you whether you want it or not. I will celebrate your victories with you and never let on how much I wish I was in your shoes. I will try to say the right things and fail almost every time. And I will rarely have my boundaries respected. 

I could be the best friend you've ever had ... if I ever let you get close enough.

Few people know me. I mean, really know me. You may know a few things about me, but I guarantee no one knows me like my family. For instance, when a family member is having a bad day and I end up spending more than 10 minutes in the bathroom, I'm crying. When I'm nervous, they know the certain laugh that says 'get me out of here'. My family knows all my tells.

Some of my old friends knew my tells, too. They knew my "no" meant "no, I'm really tired and I don't want to", but insisted, I was begrudgingly roped into their plans. I can take a joke, but teasing would quickly and consistently lead to bullying. 

Now, I am willing to lay down so much for a friend, so you may be able to relate to me when I tell you I am hurt when those sacrifices are not reciprocated. It sounds silly to some, but it makes sense to me that when a friend invites you to dinner or a hangout session, you'd do the same. If a friend is in crisis, I come to their aid and vice versa.If they're bored, you'd better do your best to eek a few chuckles out before you head on home.

I am an emotional whore. 

I expect that my sacrifices will be understood and reciprocated, and I am severely disappointed when I'm let down. A common courtesy of even quietly acknowledging my contribution goes unseen. 

This is not about me, despite the overwhelming presence of I's in this post. This is about you, if this relates to you at all. You see, I have the most difficult time setting up and maintaining boundaries. I can say 'no' fairly easily, but actually keeping to my word proves to be a challenge. My mind whirs with thoughts that I'm really letting someone down, or they'll be disappointed in me, or they'll think that I think that they think that I think [insert any negative remark here]. 

James 5:12 reminds us to live out lives in such a way that when we say 'yes' or 'no' we aren't met with the incredulous remark of 'really?' but in the same breathe also encourages us to support each other in every season of life. 

¹⁰ As an example of suffering and patience, brothers, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. ¹¹ Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.

¹² But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.

¹³ Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. ¹⁴ Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵ And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 

-James 5:10-15

While I still struggle with being truthful about my expectations, emotions and feelings, I'm asking you to try something with me, whoever is reading this. Try being honest for one week. I say 'I'm fine.' the same way an alcoholic says they don't have a drinking problem so try this with me. 

Speak!

Say what you feel when it's appropriate and to someone you trust. Don't waste your time and other peoples oxygen gossiping about it. Express your expectations and find a suitable agreement. Speak up for yourself when you feel like your feelings are getting stepped on. But with all of this, reply with grace and respect. 

I know, I know, I'm the pot calling the kettle black here. 

I'm pretty hot-headed when it comes to being candid, but please, just try it with me?? Help me not be such a floozy with my heart, time, and resources! 

This probably came out all scattered and as jumbled as my thoughts, but if you made it this far, congratulations. You're as confused as I am. 

There's really no resolution to this so you can stop reading now. 

No, really. Go do something. 

Anything. 

Why is Good Friday good??

DISCLAIMER:

This is not a theologically packed post or even matter-of-fact. This is an outlet for these thoughts that bump around in my head and won't let me sleep until I offer to share them with you. So, here we go.

-------------------------------------------------------

I made a list of the people Jesus died for, and I'm pretty sure you're in it:

Sick people.
Healthy people.
Tall people.
Short people.
Slender people.
Fat people.
Educated people.
Rapists.
Prostitutes.
Lonely people.
Murderers.
Pastors.
Doctors.
Homeless people.
Wealthy people.
Selfish people.
Martyrs.
Apathetic people.
Missionaries.
Well intentioned people.
Poor people.
Mentally disabled people.
Liars.
Teachers.
Thieves.
Kings.
Elderly people.
Geniuses.
Unborn babies.
Foolish people.
Attractive people.
Unwanted people.
Physically ruined people.
Gay people.
Clean people.
Blasphemous people.
Lesbians.
Judas.
Barabbas.
You.
Me.

"For God did not send His son to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him."

-John 3:17

What are you celebrating tonight?? 

I never gave much thought to Good Friday or Easter until just a few years ago. Without Easter, Christmas would be pretty lame. Another baby was born and died a 30-ish years later on a Friday. Lived a pretty cool life. Got some rumors trailing after him, some might be true but it's really no big deal. 

What's the point in Jesus dying so we can live if He can't even defeat death?? Any man can say they will protect you and even die for you! But what man can come back to love you after that task has been completed?? 

So, why is Good Friday 'good'?? A man who was a benefit to society, a law abiding citizen [for the most part], a welcome face in circles shunned by the public is called out in the middle of the night for a hearty beat down and questioning session in front of religious and political leaders that don't really want to deal with him or have already made up their minds and then dies naked tied and nailed up on a tree trunk. That does not sound good to me. That sounds like a terrible beginning to a novel that ends with everyone being far too happy and perfect. 

It's good because it is the drum roll to freedom. That's Good Friday. It's not the instant solution to life. It's the way out of your death penalty. 

"For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. But now that you have been set free from sin and have become servants of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

-Romans 6:20-25

What's a gift if it isn't free?? A con.

Jesus did not come to barter for your soul and trick you into getting the short end of the stick. He lived to die. He died for you to live. Not so you'd have a pulse now, but for you to always live. Good Friday is a way for us to remember how much we cost and how much was willingly paid. 

Freedom never tasted so sweet.

Plans

If you happened to be on Facebook on Friday the 31st of March, you may have seen a rather exuberant post made by yours truly regarding a successful interview and acceptance to PIMA Medical Institute to pursue a certification in Phlebotomy. 

I'm so excited to actually have a plan of action and a passion to pursue this! I know I'll be teased for being a vampire or have to endure long stories of other people's terrible blood draws, but I'm just too happy to care. 

It's a quarter long program with an externship included and I'll be starting classes on June 4th.

This is where I'll be studying: 

http://www.campusexplorer.com/colleges/647FCFC6/Washington/Renton/Pima-Medical-Institute-Renton/

This is how I'll get to class: 

http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.r_qf.,cf.osb&biw=1366&bih=664&um=1&ie=UTF-8&q=pima+renton+wa&fb=1&gl=us&hq=pima&hnear=0x549008cc03bb6f23:0xcd42b24716babb9f,Renton,+WA&cid=0,0,11160805262192763419&ei=w918T7L8BYiViALzscmmDQ&sa=X&oi=local_result&ct=image&sqi=2&ved=0CBwQ_BI

This is the definition of what I will be doing: 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phlebotomy 

If you ask me what I'm doing with my life, this is it!