If I ever write a Kid's Book ...

The Lavender Family Tree

Written by Jennifer Durrant

As told by Linus Alexander VonTube

-- A Lavender Top Tube

“Alright, class! It’s time to start another day! Please take your seats and let’s begin.” Miss Sunshine was a kind teacher, all the yellow tops were. Her favorite subject was history, but today she wanted to help her students understand a little bit about their own history.

As she passed out a stack of papers she explained the assignment, “As some of you may know, in only a few years you will have graduated and it will be time for you to select an occupation. I hope this will help you choose a career path. You are to create a family tree.” Ignoring the wave of moans sweeping over her class, she continued, “I know, this is not what you had planned for your weekend, but I am sure you will do a wonderful job!”

“What are you going to do for yours, Linus?” asked Bobby. These two had been best friends since before they knew how to say their own additives. Even though Bobby was a blue top tube, they didn’t let the color of their tops come between their friendship.

“I think I’ll just wing it. It’s not a big deal.” He replied.

“What? That’s so unlike you! I thought you’d have eight different ideas by now! You’re the smartest kid I know!” Bobby was stunned!

“I know, but I’m just not really into finding out about my family. I’ll wait til the last minute.”

Later that night while struggling with his math, Linus decided to postpone his fractions by drafting an email to send to his relatives. As he tracked down their locations, he began to wonder what he could possibly ask them. All lavender top tubes had the same additive to prevent clotting, so he already knew they would have EDTA. How many times they should be inverted? No, that would be the same, too - - 5 to 8 inversions. He could ask them where they retire!! No, most lavender tops go to Hematology.

Becoming increasingly frustrated, he decided to just ask them about their jobs. He could make up more dramatic answers later.

“Hello, all. My name is Linus and I’m a student at The Phlebotomy School for Gifted Tubes. My class has been assigned the project of creating a family tree. If you are willing to help me complete my project, please respond with a description of your occupation and a few highlights of your position.

Thank you,
Linus Alexander VonTube”

With a tap of the keys, he sent away his request and crawled under his covers.

The next few days of school were a blur. So many students completed their projects overnight! Cindy, the cute red top, had an uncle in the CIA who could spot a lie faster than a snapping glove. He even came in and taught the class a few tricks! Donovan, the grey top tube, practically grew up around policemen. His parents ran the EOTH lab at the local police department so they were able to tell when alcohol was in someone’s bloodstream. Everyone else had such cool family history that it was causing Linus to panic.

Finally, Friday came and Linus ran all the way home to check his email for any responses. He was surprised to see that everyone had written back!

“Dear Linus,

My name is Sergeant Larry VonTube and I am a Drill Sergeant. I can not reveal my location as it may jeopardize my mission, but I can tell you exactly what it is that I do. 

I yell.
I am in charge of keeping track of hundreds of soldiers so I need to make sure they understand their orders. I can tell you every strategy we have ever used against the enemy. We can take down a pollen allergy within 20 minutes and still have time to do 80 pushups before that supper bell rings.

I personally oversee five different types of soldiers. Now, I’ll tell you about my men, but I’ll use code so you can sound more impressive to your classmates.

You’ve got your basic Marines, we call ‘em Neutrophils ‘cause they neutralized the enemy. They swoop in and devour our opponent faster than you can drop your jaw.

Then we have our Army, we call them Monocytes. They take charge if the Marines just can’t polish our adversary off yet.

Our CIA and Airforce are my pride and joy. My Lymphocytes are the smartest bunch there is. They can identify any enemy and create any weapons to eliminate any target.

But our special forces are really something else. We call ‘em Basophils and Eosinophils and they sure aren’t much to look at with their prescription eye wear and - - uh - - delicate people skills, but they can make any chemical weapon you could possibly imagine. We only save ‘em for special occasions, primarily during springtime, but they sure work hard.

God Bless Blood,
Sergeant Larry VonTube”

Linus clicked on another email.

“Hello, Linus! I’m Loraine VonTube and I am a School Counselor just a few towns away from you! My co-workers call my students ‘ridiculous retics’ and - - call me crazy but - - I love my job! I get so many young red blood cells coming into my office telling me that they just want to drop out and it’s my job to encourage them to finish school first.

Hoping you too finish school,
Loraine Kathryn VonTube”

Linus noticed the next email had an odd attachment. He opened it to find a photo of Big Ben and the London Eye.

“Hello, young man. I am Sir Leopold Elijah Lexington Alexander VonTube the Third. I am considered rather elite in my region as it is my sole duty to monitor the fall of certain, shall we say, cells. The locals have a drab little name for my line of work but I find the decline of others to be most fascinating. I don’t believe ‘SED rate’ sums up my passions very well, but it will suffice for the time being.

Cheerio,
Sir Leopold Elijah Lexington Alexander VonTube the Third”

As Linus read through the emails, he discovered that his family members were involved in incredible lines of work! Lucinda was a Cruise Director with Whole Blood Cruise Lines and they took red blood cells all over the world! She had to know how many there were and where they were going and what they were doing, which sounded stressful to Linus but Lucinda seemed to love her job!

Then there was Liam, a local firefighter. He loved responding to calls for platelets to plug a wound. The rush was exhilarating! He was so thorough, that he would even have time to collect a few phone numbers from the ladies while the rest of the men finished up. Linus didn’t really understand what that meant, but he saved the email and continued reading.

Linus opened yet another email.

“My name is Lisa VonTube and I am an accountant for the IRS. Most people don’t enjoy hearing from me, but I am devoted to my profession! I am the Head Director for our CBC Department. I am in charge of delegating certain responsibilities under this umbrella title. We have to confirm the present population of all cells. We are only responsible for gathering this information and passing it on to our supervisors. I sure am glad I’m good with numbers!”

Linus had saved all of these letters and pictures to his computer and just when he was going to close his web browser, a new email was delivered. He opened it.

“From the Desk of the President,
Dear Mr. VonTube,
Thank you for being such a diligent student! When my secretary informed me of your request, I set aside time to respond with as much information as you need. As you may have gathered from my letterhead, I am the President. My jobs vary, but I am able to perform with responsibility because my employees are meticulous in their research. It is my duty as Commander in Chief to protect these lands and maintain open communication with our defense systems.

If we are under attack, I am responsible for deploying certain defenses to properly protect our territory. My technical title for this position is WBC Diff, but my real job is being the President.

Thank you for your work,

Luther VonTube, President”

Linus knew he had many jobs to choose from when the time came. He printed out the letters and photos, placed them in a folder, and when Monday came he read these things aloud to his class.

Linus received an A+ on his assignment which made him happy, but he was even more excited to one day meet all his family members.

The End