Thursday, April 19, 2012

Good fences make good relationships.

Have you ever been overwhelmed with the feeling that you just let someone down even if you didn't really?? Or maybe believing that you're worthless and aimless is your specialty. Perhaps allowing your heart to be used as a welcome mat for others that don't deserve you is where your talent lies. Maybe you're an emotional whore or chronic substitute mother. 

Choir, this is your preacher talking. 

I could be defined in so many friendships by these terms. You need something?? I'm on it! Never mind that I was in bed sound asleep with either:
1) Swollen ankles
2) A cold
3) The flu 
4) A painful monthly visitor
5) A migraine
6) An urgent desire to bond with my pillow
7) Any or all of the above 

I have what you would call "My Girl Syndrome". It's a sickness, really. I will do anything for you to make your life easier. I will massage most of your body if you are sick [depending on your gender and our level of friendship]. I will let you cry and offer you brownies and tea until you take them even if you don't want them. I will make a brave face for weeks at a time so you can be the one to get the support you need. I will let you yell at me if you're in pain or sad or angry so you don't say something you regret to someone else. I will cry with you and constantly pray over you whether you want it or not. I will celebrate your victories with you and never let on how much I wish I was in your shoes. I will try to say the right things and fail almost every time. And I will rarely have my boundaries respected. 

I could be the best friend you've ever had ... if I ever let you get close enough.

Few people know me. I mean, really know me. You may know a few things about me, but I guarantee no one knows me like my family. For instance, when a family member is having a bad day and I end up spending more than 10 minutes in the bathroom, I'm crying. When I'm nervous, they know the certain laugh that says 'get me out of here'. My family knows all my tells.

Some of my old friends knew my tells, too. They knew my "no" meant "no, I'm really tired and I don't want to", but insisted, I was begrudgingly roped into their plans. I can take a joke, but teasing would quickly and consistently lead to bullying. 

Now, I am willing to lay down so much for a friend, so you may be able to relate to me when I tell you I am hurt when those sacrifices are not reciprocated. It sounds silly to some, but it makes sense to me that when a friend invites you to dinner or a hangout session, you'd do the same. If a friend is in crisis, I come to their aid and vice versa.If they're bored, you'd better do your best to eek a few chuckles out before you head on home.

I am an emotional whore. 

I expect that my sacrifices will be understood and reciprocated, and I am severely disappointed when I'm let down. A common courtesy of even quietly acknowledging my contribution goes unseen. 

This is not about me, despite the overwhelming presence of I's in this post. This is about you, if this relates to you at all. You see, I have the most difficult time setting up and maintaining boundaries. I can say 'no' fairly easily, but actually keeping to my word proves to be a challenge. My mind whirs with thoughts that I'm really letting someone down, or they'll be disappointed in me, or they'll think that I think that they think that I think [insert any negative remark here]. 

James 5:12 reminds us to live out lives in such a way that when we say 'yes' or 'no' we aren't met with the incredulous remark of 'really?' but in the same breathe also encourages us to support each other in every season of life. 

10 As an example of suffering and patience, brothers, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. 11 Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.
12 But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.
13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 
-James 5:10-15

While I still struggle with being truthful about my expectations, emotions and feelings, I'm asking you to try something with me, whoever is reading this. Try being honest for one week. I say 'I'm fine.' the same way an alcoholic says they don't have a drinking problem so try this with me. 

Speak!

Say what you feel when it's appropriate and to someone you trust. Don't waste your time and other peoples oxygen gossiping about it. Express your expectations and find a suitable agreement. Speak up for yourself when you feel like your feelings are getting stepped on. But with all of this, reply with grace and respect. 

I know, I know, I'm the pot calling the kettle black here. 

I'm pretty hot-headed when it comes to being candid, but please, just try it with me?? Help me not be such a floozy with my heart, time, and resources! 

This probably came out all scattered and as jumbled as my thoughts, but if you made it this far, congratulations. You're as confused as I am. 

There's really no resolution to this so you can stop reading now. 

No, really. Go do something. 

Anything. 

1 comment:

  1. Mmmm...honesty! It's such a relief to be honest, yet SO hard to do! I'm always talking about "being 100% honest" but I'm totally not.

    I hope I get to see you on Sunday and say "how are you" and hear your honest response! =)

    Oh...and I'm not one of the people you've let be close to you, but I still really appreciate you. I see your personality and your sacrifices and your quiet servitude to others. I bet you have more friends than you know, but maybe they aren't "bosom" friends.

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