Guilt and Progress

I recently had the joy of being admitted to Pima Medical Institute's phlebotomy program. After conquering the first interview, scoring a 38/50 on an unexpected test with math, reading & logic when only 14 correct answers were needed, impressing key members of the staff all on only four hours of sleep, I was so happy that I broke out into a skip on the way to the car! And again after the second interview. And I'll probably do it again after my financial aid appointment, so expect to hear from me when that comes around. 

I also had make a very difficult decision that hurt the feelings of several of my friends. I had to back out of a wedding. I had the dress, the hairstyle, the shoes all picked out and I was so excited to see two of my friends be married! After hearing about their fights and dates and enduring the seemingly endless cooing of couples in love, I was ready to get my party on! 

It wasn't until after I had committed to the program that 

I realized I could only do 

one or the other.

The program is very strict about missing classes since the course is only 13 weeks long. But on the other hand, I wanted to be there when my friends committed to each other and celebrated their vows. 

I cried and prayed for so long for another option to present itself that would allow me to do both! Sure the wedding was on a Sunday, but just hearing about the work load in the program had me second guessing my part in the festivities.

Finally, just a few nights ago, I sent a message to the bride explaining my sorrow, showing my regret, and communicating my joy for her that I wouldn't be able to share in person.

I had made my decision. Then I waited for the aftermath. 

It didn't take long before my mind started whispering to me that I was a "terrible friend", I was "unreliable" oh, and my personal favorite, I "couldn't care less". It took hours til I was able to fully greet sleep with open arms. But I awoke to the same, repeating ideas. 

After a loaded guilt trip from another acquaintance, I broke down. I just sat on my bed and welcomed tears of sorrow.  

"I'm finally getting my life on track! You'd think my friends would be happy for me! They should know how much I love them!"

Then they quickly turned to bitter, angry tears.  

"They have no idea what I've done for them for years! I was always there for them even when I just wanted some time for myself!"

After a rather lengthy texting session with a dear friend, I was calm again and ready to accept reality. [It's amazing how your mood changed when someone offers to beat someone else up for you even when you never think to ask.]

I hate missing out on Life's important moments, but the reality is this: 

I can't grow up 

if I don't move on.

I could adopt a Peter Pan mentality and promise never to grow up, but that would only get me as far as an asylum. No, I have to grow up. And I'm not moving on to something I dread like chemistry or math! 

I will be helping people! 

I'll be doing the job others hate to even think about! I will play a part in helping a mother fight cancer so she will see her children graduate high school. I will help a sister discover a hopeful treatment to battle a bleak diagnoses. I will calm children so their parents can rest at ease for a brief moment.

"If you sacrifice nothing for something, then you are left 

with nothing still."

-Unknown

Almost everything comes with a price. For an education, we give up money. For a social life, we give up sleep. For higher paying job, we give up family dinners. For braces, we give up any hopes for good pictures for the next few years. All good things require sacrifice. 

I'm still sad I'll miss a great party, but God has a plan laid out for me and I'm way more excited to see that! 

James 4 reminds me of two things. 

1.) I can make my own plans, but when God show me what I need to be doing, I'd better get to it. 

2.) If I know that something is wrong and I don't speak out in truth against it, then I have sinned.

¹³ Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— ¹⁴ yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. ¹⁷  So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
James 4:13-17

As I said in my last post, live your life so that your 'yes' and 'no' need not be questioned. In everything we say and do, let it reflect the love of God.