Today

As I was out running errands today with my mom, I caught myself smiling for an extended amount of time for no apparent reason. The sun was shining, I had done a good portion of homework, I had a Starbucks beverage in hand and bags of groceries and new purchases in the trunk of our Saturn. The leaves were starting to think about turning in color as husbands trudged to the store to purchase rakes and the like. I had no make up on and I had done the bare minimum to my hair and was wearing an old t-shirt that I simply made me feel not at all pretty.

That's when I realized ...

I wasn't in pain! I was out of the house for seven hours with no medicine and several transfers from wheelchair to chair and car and back to the wheelchair while being jostled around the stores and knocked into display cases and I could not stop being happy and content! [Unfortunately, this feeling ceased when I couldn't get the sewing machine to work.] But from the moment I awoke until 30 minutes ago I have been so very pleased with today.

For no real reason.

=]

Just felt like rubbing it in I guess ... Just kidding, I know so many have been praying for a recovery for my body and I'm starting to think that today was the first victorious 'step' [get it??] in the healing process. And I just wanted to share it with you.

Change of Plans

Well, after months of anticipating a full recovery by this point, I feel a tad disappointed to say the least. While this has been the longest and most painful four months I can recall, I still have some more weeks of the same to go through.

The diagnosis for my knee issue is this:
Bursitis-
http://www.drugs.com/cg/knee-bursitis.html
Patellar Tendonitis-
http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/patelladisorders/a/patellartendon.htm
Cartilage Damage-
http://orthopedics.about.com/od/hipknee/a/ocd.htm

For which the cure is:
Cortisone Injection -
http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/paindrugs/a/cortisone.htm
Physical Therapy -
 http://www.webmd.com/pain-management/tc/physical-therapy-topic-overview

Translation:
This is a common sports injury [which oddly makes me feel better]that just takes time to heal. In the meantime, not walking is going to be at the top of my list as I rest over here on the West Side with my family and a few close friends.

Keep praying!

=]

Control

If the human brain is the most powerful part of the our bodies, can it not also be the weakest?

We have all heard it over and over again:

"It's mind over matter." 

"Think positive!"

"It's all in your mind."

"You're just imagining things."

Well, what if this powerful part of our body that is able to tell the rest of the body how to respond, react and reply is not the strong suit of armor that we thought it was??

What if the thing we have yet to mapped out is what both protects and demolishes?? 

It is quite easy for me to become trapped in my mind. I don't mean to sound all 'Ghost Whisperer' on you or something, but I tend to fix my attention on insignificant details and flaws for days at a time. I worry so easily. I can turn the same four minute conversation over in my head for days at a time and still not be satisfied. And in the midst of the current obsession, I neglect whatever is around me. I do not respond well to people or I forget to eat or I wear the same shirt three days in a row. 

I worry. 

I would go so far as to say that I invite worry. I set aside a teacup and a comfy overstuffed chair just so Anxiety may come to stay a while to chat with me.

There's something about being a girl that includes the issue of becoming trapped in one's own thoughts. Even though the weaker sex talks so much, we camouflage our corner of Anxiety with an afghan of Feminine Complexities so we may be able to avoid spring cleaning in that particular corner.

This thought of Control will go further by saying this: 

Who sits in your comfy overstuffed chair??

Is it Anxiety?? Is it just you?? Is it the Enemy??

I have found that in the times I struggle most with thoughts of worry and doubt and self-loathing are the times that I can barely hear the Truth. The seductive whispers of the Enemy are so close to me that they come closer and closer to blocking the call of my Savior declaring songs of Love. 

Do you want to know the scary part??

Sometimes I think I want to listen to the Lies and the Worry and the Doubt and the Self Hatred instead of dwelling in the Truth. It's so much easier for me to kick myself than it is to submit to disciplined and loving pruning by my Savior.

This shouldn't happen, right?? I should want only to bask knowing my Savior dances and sings over me and have a burning desire to show others this devotion! 

Is there something wrong with me that I push away Desire to request Deceit??

The Answer:

Yeah. There's something wrong with a girl not wanting to hear that she is treasured so she can listen to a bully's taunting. There's something wrong with a woman rejecting Prince Charming for the Villain. There's something wrong with a lady turning down a palace so she can claim cardboard as her home. There's something wrong with a person inviting a threat, a disease, a robber in to share close quarters when they know better. 

I have a problem trusting that God really does know what's best for me. He's kept His promises so far so I shouldn't have an issue with it, right?? 

Well, even thought God is faithful, I am forgetful. I always believe that little whisper that introduces the idea that "Maybe this time, He'll forget to give me the best." But even when I forget to listen to the voice of my Shepherd, He is faithful to remind me to listen. 

There's a reason why the bible refers to people as 'sheep'. We're pretty dumb. We don't think of the consequences of our actions and we end up getting hurt or lost. It's a good thing our Shepherd is never going to say, "Eh, she'll come back on her own. I don't need to go find her right now. Maybe she'll learn a lesson this time about leaving the herd." What kind of shepherd would that be??

Our God is faithful. He will never let us run too far from His grace.

[1 Corinthians 10:13] 

There is always a voice that bellows and  pleads to repeat the same Truth ... 

 ... I am His.

Who Needs Pride??

I posted this on Facebook on July 6th, 2011:

Here's the deal ... 

I'm committing a sin ... right ... now ...
Yup.
The Bible says, "DO NOT COVET", but I'm actually doing that at this very moment.
I am coveting after your prayers.

I have been in pain for the past 10 days and have been to see several different doctors and have had to step down from my Summer Staff position with Campus Crusade for Christ [hopefully temporarily] only halfway through the project. My knees have become so swollen that I can see ripples down my leg from where the fluid is building up inside and causing such great amounts of pressure. So, everything from mid-thigh down is swollen and I am barely able to walk.

I'm asking for your prayers for rapid healing and an answer tomorrow morning about a remedy for this and to lift up my Summer Project as well. I hate having to be at home while they get to serve Seattle without me.

God is good if I can walk or not.

I posted this on Facebook on July 7th, 2011:

*UPDATE* July 7th, 2011

My parents took me to the orthopedics office this morning for a follow up appointment for my MRI and X-ray results. After much poking and prodding [and crying on my end], it was revealed that my knees are healthy.

Honestly, I was a tad disappointed.

But what's causing so much swelling and discomfort can only be described as this:

When a Bakers Cyst has no where to go in the back of your knee anymore, it sends out small shoots to find more space to be inflamed. Just by looking at an MRI, those cysts look really small, just larger than jelly beans. But when they don't belong in a joint, there's a whole lot of pain that comes along with them.

So, rather than the doctor fishing around blindly and maybe being able to aspirate [drain] the fluid from these cysts, he decided to inject the left knee with cortisone to help in speeding up the healing process.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/aspiration
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cortisone-shots/MY00268

So now, we wait. I should start to feel the effects of the cortisone within the next 12 hours and I'm expecting to be able to rejoin my Summer Project in Seattle for the last week.

Thank you for your continued prayers!

I posted this on Facebook on July 12th, 2011:

*UPDATE* Part II July 12th, 2011

After resting as much as possible and dutifully taking my mediation and getting a strict lecture every time I stand on my own to walk a few steps, I am seeing improvement in my knees!

I'm also seeing my entire summer project team coming alongside me as I'd never expected! I'm still in the midst of learning a lesson for the summer but what I have so far is this:
     --> It's ok to let go of my pride and just ask for help.

For the past five years, I have been the one pushing wheelchairs, drying hair, cleaning houses, fetching pills, whipping up meal plans, dropping anything I've been in the middle of so I can go help someone with something. The people and the place is always changing, but that had been my life's description since high school graduation.

While I'm still not too fond of being at the mercy of whoever is pushing my wheelchair, God had been working in me to show me that I need the Body of Christ to help me. I am not meant to labor on my own and end up ruining myself.
None of us are.

In short [although it may be too late for that by now], my body is healing, my soul is being blessed, and I am still certain that God is good.

The Lie Against Truth, Love, Joy and Forgiveness

We all listen to the Lie in pitiful attempts to hold still the tongue of Truth.

We find any way possible to convince ourselves that it is acceptable to succumb to the Lie that whispers seductively in the silence of our barren thoughts. The sultry Lie that bats eyelashes and strokes our ego draws us ever closer to our decision of potential demise. The Lie tints our precious photographs to shades of horror and alters our treasures so they are barely able to be recognized. The Lie attempts to find loopholes in Love to thwart our perception and ultimately alter our trust. 

The Lie wants us to believe that there is no safety or reward in Love. The Lie taunts and teases with a temptation seemingly too great to ignore. The Lie persuades us that our pending happiness now is too great to bear and must be sought out and conquered. The Lie reveals the tools we need to meet our own desires and we rush to retrieve them and pursue our personal White Stag. We willingly allow the Lie to silence the Truth which begs for our return so we can devote the entire amount of our attention to robbing Love and removing all traces of Joy. We are so easily distracted with the radiant shimmer and siren screams of our most desperate yearnings. 

We become so very distracted in fact that we knowingly  acknowledge yet refuse the desperate beaconing calls of Truth, Love and Joy as it offers Forgiveness. We only become aware of this cavern made of our choices once our treasures lay before us in ashes and embers illuminating the webs of deceit and pain which mask our beloved Truth. Rivers of bitter sorrow and failure seem the only occupants of our uttering in earnest penance.

Yet through the mass of rubble and resentment, Truth still petitions, Love still pleads and Joy still holds wide its embrace. Our dear guide, Forgiveness, willingly and urgently rushes us back to our home. Joy urges all within reach and sight to advance preparations for mending amongst the rush of bliss that we are safe again. Love races against nature itself with eyes ever fixed on us to come alongside our broken bodies dragging a beaten soul behind. As Love and Joy combine over the shell of anger and wounds to repair what little is left of us, Truth keeps an ever watchful eye to account for every fallen tear. 

In the still and calm of steady healing, Truth enters to sit beside us. Truth may appear as a dear and faithful friend or a loved one refusing to be pushed aside for our hollow pursuit of transient pleasure. But Truth never ceases to speak healing and discipline through a language only to be translated and applied through the lips of Love and Joy. Forgiveness perpetually offers its blanket of comfort as Truth, Love and Joy mend the soul we fought so ardently to control. 

And through our aided restoration, we wonder,

"Was it worth it?"

Now ask yourself this:

"What is my Lie?"



[This song fits with the last part really well. Spend a moment reflecting.]
 

The Dad

I sent my dad a message today. I frequently forget how much he loves me until I hear another dad talk about his own baby girl. 

So, this last weekend, CRU had our annual Women's Retreat. Right after we played the 'ice-breaker' game, the girls started networking and exchanging numbers and whipping out their planners for potential hang out times. I was placed in leadership for the worship and it went pretty well. We had one of our staff women give a talk on Friday night about Mark 12:41-44.

We had a massive amount of time to go to different stations and reflect on what we'd learned and just spend some time with God before we got into small groups. I found that all of the girls in my group were going through similar things and we were able to encourage each other while searching for tissues.

The next morning, one of the staff men came to give the last talk. His name is Jason Randles and he's married and has two little kids [Coleman - 4 years ,and Reese - 18 months]. His talk was actually one of the best that I've ever heard at any women's function. He gave us the talk that he wants to have with his daughter, Reese, when she's old enough to date [which will be in 20 or 30 years, according to him].

He called it:

The 10 things I want my daughter to know about Men:
1 - there is a difference between 'boys' and 'men'.
   ---They may look like Men but they'll act like Boys.
2 - Boys will chase her. Men will pursue her
   ---Men will honor her
   ---Boys will just see her as a game
3 - Boys will shy away from the dad. Men will call him into the process.
4 - The process of boys becoming men is a different process than how girls become women
   ---They don't just 'figure out' manhood.
   ---They must learn from mistakes.
5 - Boys will say anything. Men will follow through.
   ---Boys through "I love you" around
   ---Men behave like "I love you"
6 - Boys aren't good communicators. Men aren't either.
   --- [This part was funny! He kept telling stories about men missing hints and women getting mad and then women picking up the hints that aren't there because it's a man talking ... It seemed accurate!]
   ---Men must be told directly.
7 - Boys are passive. Men accept responsibility.
   ---Boys don't take the risk.
   ---Men chase the visions.
8 - Boys will want her to be his best friend. Men will understand that she can't.
   ---Women can't rely on men.
   ---Men must have close guy friends.
9 - When they look at her, Boys will think some things different than the respect Men will give her.
10 - Boys follow selfish desires. men humbly seek God's will through prayer, other men and God's spirit.
   ---[If a guy says, :God's telling me to pursue you.", he said you can separate the Boys from the Men with one question and their answer will give a clear picture: "Yeah?? How is he telling you??" If he uses these resources, then use your best judgment. If he says, "I just feel it.", punch him in the teeth and walk away.]



It was one of the BEST talks I'd heard in a few years. But it was redundant. I've heard this my whole life.

From you.

It was never put into bullet points and illustrated with a power point presentation and worksheet to follow along. I know these things from the way you love all of the women in our family and when you get together with the men. I have grown up knowing these things from Day 1. It took another dad putting it all together in a neat folder for his own 18 month old daughter for me to connect the dots.

That was longer than I was expecting it to be but it all spells out a few words ...

I love you.

Happy Valentine's Day,
'Miss Jiff'

Every year when February 14th gets closer and closer, I start to get kinda disgusted and grumpy when I hear from my friends about all of the sappy, sticky, gooey romantic-ness happening everywhere. But I always end up turning into one of them. My dad is not be the most eloquent man to ever walk the earth but he's the man that I can always count on provide, discipline, love and protect me as long as he breathes.

I love my dad. 

I need your help ...

I have an absolutely amazing dream for this coming summer ... 

I really want to go to prison.

Matthew 25:36 " ... I was in prison and you came to me."

Oh, that may not be the best way to phrase that. What I mean is that I have a strong desire to attend a certain Summer Project as and Intern that happens to be located in Seattle, WA and targets inner city ministry. Part of this is going into prisons and meeting the needs of impoverished people around us. 

I have yet to hear back if I've been officially accepted or not, although I'm fairly sure I'll make it. But regardless of my certainty in making it to the "Attending" list, I am becoming increasingly nervous about the work we will be doing this summer and just thinking about raising the $2,900 to be able to go is a tad stressful. 

I am asking for your prayers with me on this. I know I am supposed to go on this Summer Project. I am confident that God has led me to this point and is urging me to continue forward in this journey. 

Will you walk with me?? 

I need people to stand with me in prayer as I approach this new bend in the road. We never travel alone and I am inviting you to come with me. Come with me on this adventure. Learn and grow with me. 

I'll keep you posted on any developments as the summer gets ever closer and passes by.

The Story of Jennifer Lovejoy

I have always struggled with trusting people. 

Ever since I can remember, my walk with God has been either blazing hot or freezing cold depending on my relationships with those around me. When I would be hurt by friends or family, I'd turn to God to fill that void. Once things with them had been straightened out, I'd put God back on His little spot on the shelf until I needed Him again. 

I had formed a habit of thinking I was getting through things in life just fine, and then when something didn't go according to plan, I'd cling to God. 

This pattern was broken when I moved to Eastern Washington University in September of '09. I knew no one, not even my room mates, my family was five hours away and I realized how shallow a life I had been living.

I broke down. I cried for two weeks. I told God that I needed Him all the time not just in the times that I have nothing on my social calendar. I found that by spending time with God, I could practice everything I learned from Him on the people He put in my life.  

It's been a challenge at times to keep my trust in God. But He never fails to remind me that He has provided for me in the past by meeting my most basic needs. 

I know I can trust that God 

will continue to provide for me 

in the future.

Am I Beautiful??

BEAUTIFUL FOR ME

By Nichole Nordeman

Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess

But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me

If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me

Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Yeah
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orc4TuIO56s

This post runs the risk of sounding just like another girl rambling about finding beauty and worth. 

     But it's different. 

I've found it. I've had this knowledge for years and I keep forgetting about it. 

The past several days have been remarkably difficult! I've spent hours crying due to stress, gallons of hot water in the tub trying to relax, a box of matches lighting candles to calm my nerves, three pens and a pink highlighter writing notes in preparation for Finals Week, and countless conversations with my dear friends and my poor and ever patient mom trying to figure out why I was freaking out so intensely. 

     The reasons??

Well, I'm a girl and girls tend to worry about things that usually don't deserve a second thought, let alone a first. I allowed myself to start to drown in worry and doubt regarding school, friends, family, my worth to God, others and myself. I let thoughts of deceit creep in to betray me and urge me to believe that I held no importance. 

This seems so silly now that I'm writing it down and I can see a bit more clearly. 

In the moment, I was caught up in the false idea that I: 

• Do not deserve the attention and dedication of others
• Do not qualify for a position of the slightest desire in God's eyes
• Have no plan set aside just for me 
• Am not making any impression on my campus
• Do not have the heart to bring others up
• Am not a strong woman of God
• Am not beautiful in any sense of the word

. . . These are all lies . . .

I am a daughter of the King! I am capable of sending the strongest demons to shudder in fear by merely speaking with my Father! I am able to show great love and compassion because I have known LOVE that could not be held by death! I am desired by God!

     ... My God ...

I have been made by the same hands that formed the stars and I am loved more than all of them combined and multiplied.

I have been chased by the feet skewered with a nail that held Him to a cross for me many years ago. 

I am held in the arms that were raised to calm oceans and now wrap around me to quiet my soul. 

I am led by a voice that sings over me in delirious joy and reminds me of my endless worth. 

I am disciplined by the hands that endured hours of agony for a divine and seemingly ridiculous love.

I am carried on the back that is scared from whips and scorn when I become too weak to even lift my own head. 

     ... and most of all ... 

I am His. 

There really is no point in trying to ignore my biggest fan. It's strange to think that this reminder came during Finals Week and that this stress briefly overtook my mind. 

I guess God knows when I need to be encouraged that I am beautiful to Him and He's the best mirror. 

He knows I'm just a silly little girl that tends to misplace her own value and I'm so thankful that He's patient and never fails to remind me that I am His. 

And He is mine. 

 I have been bought with the precious blood of Christ.

<3

Walking

My dad's dad passed away on Thursday. I was never close with him. I saw him probably about 10 times in my life and received the classic birthday cards signed with only a name and contained a few dollars.

So I really shouldn't be that sad over losing him, right??

Wrong.

I've only mourned over losing people I know I'll see again.
When Ellen Burns died, I wept but I know I can worship with her when I die.
When Grandma George died, I wept but I get to sing with her and drown out the angels.
When Grandma Guerry died, I wept but I get to dance with her at the feet of God.

I will never see Grandpa Durrant again. I never saw him while he was living but I'll never get to sing my heaven song with him or dance with him. I'm fine with losing him physically. But to know that he is forever spiritually lost is breaking me down.

He was not a Christian. Every time anyone in my family would see him, we'd start talking with him about what God's doing in our lives. We wanted to share our lives with him. He never wanted to listen. When I was about 5 years old, Grandpa Durrant had a tea party with me. I remember it so clearly. I wore my Easter dress and a hat and we had tea in my pretty, pink china that my dad had gotten me from Poland. We set the table, smoothed out the wrinkles from the tablecloth and he helped me make cucumber tea sandwiches and arranged them on little plates. We sat down to tea and I started telling him about Jesus. He tried to change the subject but I wouldn't have it. I kept talking about Jesus.

Finally, he got up and walked away.

He walked away from Jesus his whole life.

A few hours before my dad called to tell me about his dad, I got this strange feeling. The kind of feeling you get when you're standing at the kitchen counter or your desk and you can feel someone behind you. Only there was never anyone behind me. It was so strange! I was feeling this way up until last night [Saturday night].

I kept having dreams as well. Dreams of fire and darkness. And I could hear screaming. The kind of screams that come from mothers that can't find their children. The screams that come from men unable to hold their families ever again.The screams that come from children after a night terror. The screams that come from the worst pain you can ever imagine.

I would wake up screaming with them.

I was dreaming about people being separated. In the beginning of Genesis, death means spiritual death, not physical death. And this spiritual death doesn't mean you are buried in some other world or you become reincarnated. It means you are separated from God. We cannot live without Him so to be eternally torn apart from Him is the ultimate death.

I'm not mourning for the physical death of a man I hardly knew. I mourning for the spiritual death of a man that never wanted Life.

I know this sounds all "preachy" but I'm telling you the truth about what's going on in my heart.

I've made a choice to walk with God.

He made choices to walk away from God.

Which way are you walking??

I am a tad easily amused ...

The following is a mere glance into my mind and the things I think are funny in the slightest. You have my permission to dislike it, but I still find it humorous. 

The "M" means Man, because the name of the other participant in this nonsense begins with a "J" as well and that would just get confusing .

The "J" means Jennifer, because that is my name. It's quite basic.

The conversation you are about to view took place Tuesday, September 21st, 2010 between the hours of 11:45 am and 1:00 pm all by the means of texting.

M – Can we please speak in song? Starting after this message?

M – Let’s get it started.

J – I want you to know when you hold my hand, you hold my heart.

J – I am in misery! There ain’t nobody who can comfort me! Why won’t you answer me?? The silence is slowly killing me!

M – I am lost for words, so lost in love …

J – Hit me, baby! One more time!

M – Do you feel like a man, when you push her around, do you feel better now as she falls to the ground (I don’t like this domestic violence theme)

J – I’m stronger than yesterday! Love ain’t nothing but a mile away. My loneliness ain’t killing me no more.

M – You drive me crazy, I just can’t sleep.

J – It’s hard to say I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep because my dreams are bursting at the seams.

M – These dreams, go on when I close my eyes.

J – Shut your eyes and sing to me …

M – Killing me softly, with his song …

J – If I get murdered in the city, don’t go revenging in my name …

M – Don’t go breaking my heart …

J – I won’t go breaking your heart!

M – I will survive! I will surviiiive …

J – I should have changed that stupid lock …

M – Hey there Delilah don’t you worry about the distance, I’m right there if you get lonely give this song another listen close your eyes, I’m by your side.

J – It’s close to midnight and something evil’s lurking in the dark!

M – Private eyes, are watching you, they see your every move.

J – I am beautiful in every single way. Words can’t bring me down.

M – Hey good lookin, whatcha got cookin

J – You’re so vain …

M – I’m too sexy for my shirt …

J – I think we’re alone now. The beating of our hearts is the only sound.

M – Stop, children what’s that sound, everybody look what’s going down.

J – You spin my head right ‘round, right ‘round …

M – We’re going down, down in an earlier round …

J – And sugar we’re going down swinging …

M – It’s getting hot in here …

J – The roof is on fire!

M – Wearing next to nothing cuz it’s hot as an oven!

J – Nothing can separate …

M – I will always love you!

J – Well I’m not paralyzed but I seem to be struck by you … I want to make you move …

M – Dare you to move …

J – Dare you to run …

M – Slow dancing in a burning room

J – I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted …

M – Wait! I take that back! “If I lay here, if I just lay here”

J – Lay in open fields with me and just stare at the diamonds of the night …

M – When I look at the stars, I find myself.

J – I look into your eyes and I find love …

M – When you look me in the eyes, I catch a glimpse of Heaven.

J – I can’t wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song …

M – Ok, I’m out of quotes. Game over. Well played my friend.

J – Good, I need to shower. Perfect timing! 

**Disclaimer:**

This post really serves no purpose other than to fulfill my desire for amusement.